I'm Always There With You
by stripscrabble
Summary: The death of a loved one is never easy. A Sandy and Kirsten Story. With a little Seth and Summer thrown in too.
1. The one where everything happens

**So... As i finished writing this, i read the updates of Bath Time and Trouble Sleeping... Let me just say that i feel so horrible writing this... But i did and i can't turn back time so...  
**

**I have no idea if i am going to continue this, or just leave it here. Just depends on if anybody actually reads this and if i feel like i actually could continue...**

**I had such a difficult time writing this.**

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I'm Always There With You

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I looked up from my uncomfortable plastic chair that I had been sitting in for the past 3 hours when the doctors came over, I anticipated the worst but when it came, it wasn't exactly what I expected. 

I only caught parts of his explanation, I heard something about his organs failing and that he won't recover.

It was such a harsh way of telling somebody that it was only a matter of time before they lost the love of their life, that his children were losing their father.

I asked the doctors if we could see him now, they simply nodded in response. We followed them into a private room that I swear must have been in another state judging by the amount time it took to get there.

As the door opened I just stood there, it was such an unsettling sight. Sandy had never been in a hospital in his life, he was rarely even sick. I didn't know what to do or say, I crossed the room and took his left hand, kissing his fourth finger where his ring should have been.

"Where's his wedding ring?" I asked so softly that I wasn't even sure if anybody actually heard me.

They must have heard though, because the taller doctor of the two walked over and handed me a small plastic bag which contained his wedding ring and his watch.

I didn't say thank you, I simply took the bag, fished out his ring and placed it where it belonged.

I just sat there looking at him, burning the image of him in my mind. Going over every inch of skin that I already knew too well.

As I sat there, taking in every physical aspect of him, the boys sat on the right side of him. I took my eyes of Sandy to look at each of them. Seth was sobbing with his face in his hands, while Ryan had hold and Sandy's hand and his other arm around Seth. At first I didn't think Ryan was crying, but a solitary tear ran down his cheek. I had to look away, I was feeling bad enough without looking at the boys and thinking about what a terrible mother I was being.

After a while of just sitting there with my head on his chest and his hand in mine, I sat up and I ran my fingers through Sandy's hair, it was still as soft as ever. I could tell you the number of grey hairs he had, although he still claimed to this day that they were just extremely blond highlights.

I was still running my fingers through his hair when the door opened behind me, I didn't turn around to see who it was but on the opposite side of the bed both Seth and Ryan, who had seemed to have stopped crying, stood up and walked over to the door.

My fingers dropped to Sandy's face as I listened to the boys greeting the visitor, it was The Nana. I hadn't even thought of her, I hadn't thought of anybody but myself and the boys. Thank god for the boys.

They shut the door behind them but it wasn't shut properly, so I heard their entire conversation. Sophie was asking what had happened, I heard her start to cry when the boys told her there was nothing anybody could do. Even if I didn't get along with Sophie, I would never minimise how devastated she was, I might be losing a husband, but she was losing a child. I never wanted to know what that felt like.

After a few minutes I heard Sophie ask how I was. This somewhat surprised me, to think that after everything, she might actually be concerned for me.

Seth lowered his voice at this point, I couldn't hear what he was saying, but then I heard Ryan say that he was surprised too._Surprised at what? _

"Maybe she's stronger than we think, maybe rehab did knock it out of her," I heard Sophie say, suddenly well aware of what they were talking about. Truthfully I would have been drinking, but I knew I couldn't.

_** 7 hours earlier**_

"_Congratulations Mrs Cohen, you're pregnant," Dr Harris said. _

_I sat there with my mouth hanging open at a loss for words. Next to me I heard Sandy let out a soft "Wow."_

_He picked up my left hand and left a small kiss on it. I met his eyes and saw the excitement in them. I couldn't help but smile. Not that I wasn't happy. I was thrilled by the news, it was just rather unexpected. _

"_So Kirsten, I would like you to come back in the same time next week and we can go over everything and make your next appointments then," Dr Harris said, breaking me out of my Sandy induced trance._

"_Okay, thank you," I said as I took Sandy's hand and walked out of the door._

_As I stepped outside, I felt Sandy's arms wrap around my waist and his hands rest on my lower abdomen as he pressed his chest into my back. He left a kiss on my neck and whispered "I love you" into my ear._

_I couldn't help but giggle as I turned around in his arms to smile up at him. I gave him a soft kiss on the lips and said "I love you too."_

"_Come on, lets go get some lunch," Sandy said as he took my hands and pulled me down the street._

"_No, Sandy we should just head back home," I started to say._

"_Baby come on, I didn't eat this morning, I'm staving!" He begged, "Please?"_

"_Urgh, fine then, lets go," I said, I could never deny him anything._

"_Yes!" Sandy exclaimed, "Is there anything you feel like?"_

"_Umm… I could actually really go for some pizza," I found myself saying._

"_Really?" Sandy asked, "Because you hardly ever eat pizza, you claim it's just bread with sauce."_

"_Well maybe I feel like a bit of saucy bread," I teased back, sticking my tongue out._

_Sandy laughed, "You're so cute." He leaned in and took my lips with his in a soft, loving kiss._

_I pulled back and smiled at him, "Well come on, lets go eat, I could really go for some of that saucy bread!"_

_Sandy took my hand and led the way down the long street._

_After lunch at _Bluewater Pizza_, we walked back down the street back. As we walked past a bakery, I looked in the window and saw a simple sponge cake with pink icing. I suddenly really, really wanted a piece of that cake._

"_Sandy, I want that cake," I stated, it wasn't open to discussion, I was getting that cake._

"_What? Why?" he asked me, not understanding my sudden caving for it._

"_Do I need a reason?" I asked him._

"_Well no… But still why that cake?"_

"_I don't know, it just looks so appealing! And the icing is pink!" I explained._

"_So, what does pink icing have to do with anything?"_

"_It's a sign." I told him._

_He let out a chuckle, "And what kind of sign would that be love?"_

"_A sign that this baby is a girl."_

_He laughed once again as he leaned down and kissed my nose, "Whatever you think love."_

"_No, Sandy it is a girl!" I said, "I know it, it's going to be a girl."_

"_So I should start preparing my 'No you cannot date my daughter' speech now?"_

"_Well while you do that," I said as I let go of his hand, "I, am going to buy that cake!"_

_As I walked into the bakery, I heard Sandy groan behind me. But I knew he would follow, just as I could never deny him anything, he could never deny me either._

_I stood behind a young man who was purchasing a pie from the elderly woman behind the counter. As he turned and left I stepped up to the counter._

"_Hi, I was wondering if I could pie that cake with the pink icing in the window?" I asked her._

"_Of course you could dear," the woman said, "Let me just get it for you."_

_I turned around and smiled at Sandy, he shook his head at me. I turned back to the counter where the elderly woman had was getting a box for my cake._

_I felt Sandy's hand around my waist. I turned my head and kissed his cheek. _

"_Just so you know," I whispered to him, "I'm going to eat this entire cake myself."_

_Sandy just laughed, "I think I'm okay with that."_

_The elderly woman came back to the counter and put the box in front of me, "That will be Twelve Dollars dear."_

_I realised that I didn't have my wallet on me, so I turned to Sandy. _

"_What?" He said._

"_I didn't bring my wallet," I told him, silently begging him to buy me this cake._

"_Oh so not only will you not let me have any of it but now I have to pay for it too?"_

"_Yep, pretty much," I said offering him a sweet smile._

_Sandy said nothing but pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and paid the lady._

"_Thank you so much," I said to the lady, purposely not saying it to Sandy, just to see what he would say._

"_Hey, what about me?" He said._

_I just looked at him, not saying a word. Telling him silently that I would thank him later. He seemed to get the message as his hand found it's way around my waist as we walked out the door._

"_So," Sandy said, "Do you really think it's a girl?"_

"_I'm positive it's a girl."_

"_And what makes you so positive?" He questioned._

"_Honestly…" I started but then realised I had no answer. I stood there for a few seconds before I looked up at Sandy who had stopped when I did. "I really have no idea, I just have this feeling."_

"_Well that's good enough for me," he replied, moving towards me and placing a gentle kiss on my lips._

_For a moment I considered taking the kiss farther but I was never one for such open displays of affection, especially in the middle of a busy street. I pulled back and smiled at him, "I love you, so much."_

"_Oh baby, I love you too," he whispered softly in my ear as he pulled me into a hug. "More than anything."_

_I buried my head in his neck and his hand ran through my hair as he left a loving kiss on the top of my head._

"_Come on baby, let's get going otherwise we'll never get home," he said as he took my hand and let the way down the small amount of road we had left to walk._

_I placed my head on his shoulder as we walked around the corner to head to the parking lot behind Doctor Harris' office, where we had parked the car that morning._

_As we walked towards the car Sandy took my hand and led me towards my side of the car. He stopped and looked at me, "You know, I don't think that I've ever seen you look quite as beautiful as you do now."_

"_And why would that be Mr Cohen?" I said, blushing at his complement._

"_Nothing is as beautiful as knowing that right now, you're carrying my child."_

_Why does he have to be so perfect? I thought to myself. I brushed my lips over his softly. It was thank you kiss._

_Sandy smile and let go of me, heading to the other side of the car, but he didn't get far because as soon as he reached the rear of the car a middle aged man appeared. _

"_Can I help you?" Sandy said._

"_I dunno, can you?" The man asked, not moving._

_I looked down at my watch to check the time, it was 2:03p.m. I was thinking about how late it was getting when I heard it. The gunshots._

_I looked up in fright, I saw the back of the man running and a whole lot of blood coming from Sandy._

"_Oh my god! Sandy!" I scream as I dropped the cake I was still holding and ran towards him._

_I sat on the ground next to him and lifted him into my arms. I pulled out my phone and dialled 911, stating my emergency. _

"_The ambulance is on it's way baby, just hold on," I told him._

_He let out a long breath and looked up at me. "Kirsten," he let out in a pained sigh._

"_I'm here baby, I'm here."_

"_I love you so much," he said, making the effort of lifting his hand to my cheek and softly stroking it with the back of his fingers. "And tell the boys I love them, and make sure they know how proud of them I am."_

"_Don't talk like that," I said quietly through my tears._

"_And make sure that she knows I loved her too," He said, placing his hand on my stomach. "Make sure she has a perfect life."_

_I was bawling at this point. I couldn't sit here and listen to him talk about the life our daughter would have, one that didn't include him._

"_Sandy don't talk like that, you're going to be okay."_

"_No Kirsten, I'm not," he said letting out a cough that included blood. "Just know, I love you more than anything."_

"_Sandy you can't leave me! I won't let you!"_

"_I don't think you get a choice in the matter, baby," He said to me with a mixture of pain and laughter in his eyes. "I'll always be with you."  
_

_It was only seconds later that the ambulance arrived, taking Sandy on a stretcher as I watched helplessly, climbing into the back once Sandy was in._

**_Present Time_**

I sat there staring at him, knowing that this would be the last time I ever saw him. I had tuned out Seth and Ryan's conversation with Sophie. I didn't need to hear anymore. I knew that I would have to tell them about the baby soon. But I didn't want it to come out while Sandy was laying here on his death bed.

It wasn't long before the door opened fully and the Boys and Sophie walked into the room. I felt someone's hand on my shoulder and looked up to see that it was Sophie's.

She didn't say anything and I was grateful, she simply stood me up and pulled me into a hug. I let my tears fall on her shoulder.

We stayed in the embrace for some time, until I pulled away saying "Thank you."

I offered her my seat, which she took and began saying her goodbyes.

I hadn't been able to say it yet. I didn't want to. How could I say goodbye to the man who changed my life? The man who loved me for me, the man that was my everything.

I just stood there until Ryan and Seth led me to one of the chairs on the other side of the bed. I sat down and looked back to Sandy. He didn't seem like Sandy, he didn't have the usual presence that Sandy possessed, even in his sleep.

He was now just a shell of the man he had been only hours before.

As I sat there staring at him, one of the doctors came back. I heard Seth, Ryan and Sophie all asking him questions. Each wanting to know things like Was there any chance of him recovering? Why were there no tubes or wires? Howlong would it be?

The doctor answered each of them, I didn't bother to listen after he said that his main organs had already started shutting down and there would be no chance of recovery.

I didn't need to listen to their reasoning. All I listened to now was the steady beeping of his heart monitor. Waiting for the moment that it would turn into that one long continuous beep.

We sat there for another two hours before anything happened.

First there was a soft cough from Sandy, then a deep breath that had a deathly rattle, which was closely followed by his eyes opening. At this point I had almost had a heart attack, but his eyes simply rolled into the back of his head and his eyelids shut again.

Those few seconds of silence that passed afterwards felt like hours, being broken by that one long continuous beep. The sound of death.

I heard all three people in the room break out into sobs. I just sat there. I took Sandy's hand in mine and buried my head, once again in his side.

The tears fell silently down my cheeks as the door opened and the doctors arrived. They didn't ask for me to move. They simply turned off the machine and said we could have a while.

I didn't move. I sat there for however long it was before the doctors came back.

As Seth helped me up, I looked back at Sandy.

I never said goodbye.

All four of us got in the car to go home. Although I don't know if I could ever call that place home again, home was always with Sandy. I looked at my watch and saw that it was 10p.m. It had been well over an hour since they had called his time on death; 8:47p.m.

As Ryan drove us out of the hospital's parking lot, I looked out the window. My mind was a blur, I heard Seth talking about something in the back seat, I wasn't listening until I heard my name.

"Huh?" was all I could manage.

"Kirsten, I said when we get home you should take a shower and we can get rid of those clothes," Sophie said to me with a look of concern.

"Uh yeah, of course," I mumbled, I looked down at the clothes I was wearing, I had forgotten about the blood. I didn't even know that his blood covered me until Seth and Ryan had arrived at the hospital and thought I was hurt too at the sight of fresh red fluid covering me.

It wasn't too much later that we pulled into the driveway. I got out of the car and led the way to the front door.

As I opened the front door I turned to Seth, Ryan and Sophie, "I'm just going to get in the shower."

"Okay mum," Seth said softly.

I walked down the few stairs that were there and continued down the hall, around the corner and up the stairs to our bedroom.

I took notice of the clothing that littered the floor. It was all his. The suit he wore to work the day before was strewn across the room, his shirt hanging over a lamp and his pants half thrown on a chair.

As I walked towards the bathroom I noticed the clock. It said 8:47.

I just stood there staring at it. Not knowing if it actually did say that or if I was hallucinating. Either way, I didn't want to know.

I pushed the clock out of my mind and walked into the bathroom.

So many mornings had been shared with Sandy in here. Just preparing for their days.

I opened the shower door, I turn on both taps, creating a warm mixture. I stepped out of the shower peeling off my clothes and throwing them in the corner of the bathroom. I stepped back into the shower allowing the water to stream over me.

As I watched the water turn red as Sandy's blood ran down my body onto the floor and down the drain, I started crying for the first time since leaving the hospital. In fact it had gone past the point of crying, I was sobbing.

I heard the bathroom door open and smiled. Thinking it was him I turned around, only to be met by the door. For that split second I forgot everything that had happened, like everything was back to normal. But it wasn't. Nothing would ever be the same again. I would always be waiting for him, and he would never be there

I sank to the shower floor pulling my legs up, wrapping my knees in my arms. I was at that point where the tears had stopped and I was gasping for air, forcing myself to breathe.

Each intake was like a knife plunging into my chest, the outtake not coming soon enough.

The water soon began to turn cold, but I let the cold water run over me. As I watched the blood that was still gently being stripped from me, I couldn't help but feel like I was losing him again. Which I told myself was stupid, he was already gone, his blood was nothing but his blood. A chemical product of his body. Nothing more, nothing less.

"Mum?"

I looked up and saw Seth standing just inside the door.

"Ryan and I want to talk to you," he said softly, "I laid your pajamas out on your bed for you and here's a towel."

"Thank you," I said softly.

He gave a small smile before turning around and shutting the door.

I got up and turned the water off. As I stepped out of the shower, I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked terrible, but I didn't care.

I walked over and picked up the towel Seth had left for me. As I wrapped it around my body, I realised that this would be my only source of warmth in the future. That I would no longer have that warm body next to mind in bed, I would never feel his arms around me, warming every inch of me.

All I had left was the bitter cold.

I walked through the closet and into the bedroom, Seth had lain out my flannelette pajamas and my pink robe. I picked up the pajama bottoms and left the rest, walking back into the closet.

I went straight to Sandy's side. I knew what I wanted. I quickly found his grey Berkeley sweater and his blue robe.

I got dressed rather slowly as I was attempting to hold back a new set of tears that were threatening to fall.

I walked down the hallway towards the kitchen. A path that Sandy and I had walked so many times.

It actually felt sickening to walk into the kitchen alone, or walk in there and not see him waiting for me. I knew I would miss these little things.

Three pairs of eyes looked up at me when I walked in. Each pair portraying a look of concern that was evident even through their falling tears.

I sat down in the seat next to Seth. He put his arm around my shoulder and all I could think was how horrible a mother I was being. I hadn't offered any comfort to Seth or Ryan.

"I'm sorry," Came blubbering out of my mouth as I put my head in my hands to hide my tears from view.

"No."

"Why?"

"Don't be."

Came from the other three occupants of the kitchen at the same time.

I just sat there silently crying. I didn't know what else to do.

"It's going to be okay mum," Seth whispered into my ear.

"No it wont Seth," I told him.

"Yes, it will," He said in a strong voice, "We can all get through this together. You know Dad wouldn't want us to wallow in his loss."

I let out a sigh, I knew he was right, "I know."

Everybody was silent for a few moments until Seth, definitely his father's son, broke the silence.

"Hey, why don't we all go watch Grease in honour of Dad?"

"That sounds like a great idea," Sophie said.

Seth got up starting to walk towards the lounge room with Ryan and Sophie following.

I was about to get up when I stopped myself.

"Hey guys, there's something I need to tell you," I said rather quietly, part of me hoping none of them heard.

But they did, they all stopped and looked at me.

I took a deep breath, "I'm pregnant."

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**Ok so first I just want to say that I had a really difficult time, firstly finding a way to kill Sandy… And then actually writing it… I have no knowledge at all about gunshot wounds except from what has been on Grey's Anatomy lol so yeah that part probably makes no sense whatsoever so sorry lol.**

**Also I have no idea how long it would actually take for the organs to shut down… I also don't know how long a flight from Miami to Orange County would take, so yeah I just put the Nana arriving in anywhere lol.**

**But what I do know is the way it feels to be waiting in a hospital room having the knowledge that this will be the last time you will see a loved one. That's where the whole idea for this fic came from… I was feeling rather down and yeah I dunno… This just happened.**

**I really don't know what the purpose of this was, but please review… Tell me what you liked… Or what you hated. I don't mind lol.**

**And finally im cut as this did not come out looking the way i wanted it to... And i have no idea how to fix it.**


	2. The one where Kirsten blames herself

**Ok so here is chapter 2... This is like my third re-write of it... There was originally totally different ideas but i scraped them... I was also going to write more to it this time but decided that the part i was going to put at the end of this one is going to be in Chapter 3 instead... **

**So yeah this is kind of short... But i hope you like it anyway.**

**And omg... Thank you all for the reviews... I was like totally blushing while reading them all! So thank you heaps, it is very much appreciated hugs**

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Always There With You - Chapter 2.

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My statement was met by silence, which was broken at the same time by both Seth and Ryan.

"Oh my god," Ryan said softly.

"Say that again," Seth said overpowering Ryan.

The Nana just stood there in shock.

"I'm pregnant," I said for the second time.

They all continued to stare at me. I didn't know what to say so I let the silence continue.

"Did… Did Dad know?" Seth asked me in a whisper.

I nodded, "Yeah we, uh, found out this morning."

"Oh," was the reply I got.

I looked down at the floor in an attempt to hide the tears that were beginning to fall.

"It's all my fault," I found myself saying in between my sobs.

"What is?" I heard Ryan ask.

"Everything!" I choked out, "He's dead because of me!"

"What?" I heard Ryan say along with Seth yelling, "No way!"

I opened my mouth and spoke with difficulty, trying to steady my breathing, "It is, he never would have been killed if I hadn't have made him go with me!"

"Kirsten," Sophie spoke softy for the first time.

I looked up at her as she stepped closer to me.

"None of this is your fault."

"Yes it is," I said as I looked at the floor, avoiding their eyes. "It's all my fault."

"Mum, you can't think that."

"Yeah, Kirsten how many times did you all tell me that I wasn't responsible for Marissa?" Ryan said.

As those words came out of his mouth, I felt horrible. He had only just learned to accept Marissa's death and now Sandy. It wasn't fair on him. It wasn't fair on any of us.

I sat there, letting my tears fall freely for the loss of my husband. For the child that was growing inside me that would never know their father.

_I walked in the front door feeling a mixture of excitement, joy and I have to admit, fear._

"_Hey baby, is that you?" I heard Sandy call from the kitchen._

"_Yeah, it's me," I yelled back to him as I took off my jacket and hung it up by the door._

_I walked through the lounge room into the kitchen to find Sandy getting Chinese containers out of a bag._

_He turned around when I walked in and smiled at me, "Are you feeling any better?"_

_I sighed, "Yeah, much better."_

"_Well that's good to hear," he said before walking over and placing a kiss on my cheek. "I hope you don't mind some Chinese tonight."_

"_Of course not," I really hoped he got Garlic Chicken, I could really go for some right now._

"_I mean I was going to cook dinner but I was running late so I didn't have time," he said._

"_I'm all for the Chinese! And hey look, I'm running even later than you!" I said smiling up at him as I took a seat at the small table that barely fitted in the small kitchen._

"_Well," he said slowly, "you're too cute to hold that against you."_

_I let out a small laugh as he started dishing out the food. "Have you got any Garlic Chicken there by any chance?" I asked hopefully._

"_Garlic Chicken? You hate Garlic stuff," he said, obviously confused by my apparent sudden change in tastes._

"_I've never said I hated it… I just don't appreciate the whole garlic breath thing," I explained._

"_Well, you just so happen to be in luck because I actually felt like some garlic chicken and I figure I would just brush my teeth a few times before bed," he said, "but now we can both have garlic breath together!"_

"_You're still brushing your teeth at least three times otherwise you can sleep on the couch," I said, offering him a small smile._

_After Sandy placed the two plates on the table and went to the fridge to gets drinks, I got the cutlery. _

"_What do you want to drink baby?" Sandy asked me from the fridge._

"_Uh, I'll just have some water."_

"_You sure?"_

"_Yep."_

_As I sat back at the table Sandy came back with two bottles of water._

"_Thanks love," I said, "Uh, so do you have any plans for after dinner?"_

"_Nope, why do you ask?" _

"_Because I am planning on taking an absolutely relaxing bubble bath," I told him, "And I thought that maybe, you would like to join me?"_

_I watched him as he stopped eating and looked up at me. I knew he was thinking of the last bath we took together, "I mean, I know your not exactly a bubble bath kind of man, but you know, I though we could just enjoy some peaceful time with each other and have a nice chat," I told him._

"_Oh baby, when you're asking me to spend time with you lacking any clothing, I'm any type of man you want me to be!"_

"_So that's a yes?" I asked._

"_It is definitely a yes!" He told me, "but none of them bath crystals like last time, they do not dissolve properly and find their way into uncomfortable bodily places."_

_I couldn't help but laugh, I knew he was thinking about the last bath together. "No crystals," I told him, "I promise."_

_I turned the hot tap on first before adding the bubble bath, filling the bathroom with a strong scent of Vanilla. I turned the cold tap on along with the hot one now, attempting to create a perfect temperature. _

_As I turned the taps of once satisfied with the volume and temperature of the water, Sandy walked in behind me. He placed one hand on my hip while using his other to brush my hair to one side, placing a soft kiss on the nape of my neck. I let out a giggle and turned around to kiss his lips, unbuttoning his shirt as I did._

"_Why Mrs Cohen, you certainly are eager."_

"_To get in the bath, why yes I am," I told him._

_Sandy let out a dramatic gasp._

_I rolled my eyes, "Just hurry up."_

_Sandy got in the bath first, holding out his hand for me to get in after him. I sat in front of him allowing him to get comfortable before I laid back into his arms as they came around and rested below my breasts._

_We simply sat there for a few moments before I broke the peaceful silence._

"_Sandy I want to talk to you."_

"_Okay then," he said as he started placing butterfly kisses along the side of my neck._

_I let out a half sigh, half moan before I stopped him, "No, Sandy I'm being serious."_

"_Okay, okay, I'll stop."_

_As Sandy pulled away from my neck, I turned around so that I was facing him. He took my legs and pulled them around his waist, resulting in my sitting in his lap._

"_Sandy," I said softly._

"_Yes baby."_

_I took a breath, I was scared and I didn't know why, I really had no reason to be. "I'm pregnant."_

_He just stared at me with his mouth hanging open. "Are you… I mean… Are you sure?"_

_I nodded slowly._

_He removed a hand from my leg and placed it over his mouth. I could see the tears forming in his eyes, he was never much of a cryer. "Oh my god," he whispered from behind his hand, "Are you serious?"_

"_Yes Sandy, I'm one hundred percent positive."_

_He took my face in both of his hands and kissed me slowly. It wasn't a kiss filled with passion, it was a kiss filled with love._

_As he broke away I saw the single tear fall down his cheek._

"_I can't believe it," he said._

"_I know, I was beginning to think it was never going to happen," I told him._

"_Me too," he said, looking back up at me and breaking into a huge grin, "I think this is the most exciting moment of my life!"_

"_I think I may have to agree with you on that one Mr Cohen," I said smiling back at him, leaning in and placing a kiss that was intended to be a quick, soft one but had soon become a passionate, hungry one._

_Sandy broke the kiss, speaking with great difficulty, "I love you so much."_

"_I love you too," I told him, meaning it so much. "Now shut up and kiss me."_

"Look guys I don't think I'm in the mood for Grease right now," I explained, "If you want we can watch it tomorrow or something. I think I just need to get some sleep right now."

They all mumbled their agreement to my need for sleep. Although I doubt any of them believe that I actually would sleep.

I got up from my chair and said goodnight to the boys and Sophie. As I began to walk towards our bedroom, I started feeling nervous. I turned the corner and slowly walked up the hallway staring at the door. I was afraid. I had no idea why, but I knew I was. All I could think of was how this was no longer "our" room… It was _my_room.

As I dawdled up the stairs, I stopped on the last one, just staring at the door.

Sometime later I heard footsteps behind me as I continued to stare at the door, fruitlessly wishing for it to open and for Sandy to walk out of there.

As I listened to the footsteps getting closer, I knew who it was. It was Ryan.

Over the years I had noticed things like this, I had unintentionally memorised the sound of Sandy, Seth and Ryan's footsteps. Ryan's were very heavy, almost like a stomp. Seth's were a shuffle, ever since he was little he was always scuffing his shoes no matter how many times I told him to lift his feet as he walked. Sandy on the other hand was different to both of them, he was usually rather light on his feet, occasionally I wouldn't even hear him.

As Ryan reached me, he put his hand on my shoulder, "It's okay."

I took a sharp breath, "I just can't go in there," I started to explain. "I mean I know that's stupid considering I went straight in there when we got home."

"Hey, it's okay," he told me, "You don't have to go in there."

As I turned around and looked at him, I saw his puffy eyes and knew I needed to comfort him instead of the other way around.

"Are you okay?" I asked him even though I knew he wasn't.

"Yeah," he said, "Well no, but you know how it is. It's not easy losing your father."

I started crying now, I knew that there was nothing Sandy would be more proud of than to have Ryan calling him Dad.

"He loved you," I choked out, "You know that right?"

"I know," Ryan said, tears slowly streaming. "I loved him too."

I slowly nodded and took Ryan into a tight hug before whispering in his ear, "And I love you too."


	3. The one where they watch Grease

**First off thanks for all the reviews!! I love reading them all!** **I love hearing what you all have to say... haha and yes i stole the chapter title ideas from friends!**

** So anyways, on to the chapter... **

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I'm Always There With You - Chapter 3

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Ryan led me down the stairs and then the rest of the hallway away from the bedroom. I tried not to think about all the things Sandy was now going to miss out on. It really wasn't fair.

As we turned around the corner, I saw Seth and Sophie sitting on the lounge watching the television. As we approached the end of the of the hall Seth got up to meet us.

"Are you okay mum?" he asked, placing his arm around me.

"No, not at all," I said, "But I'll be alright."

"Do you want to come and watch the rest of _Grease_ with us?"

I didn't really want to watch it, but I figured it couldn't make me feel any worse, so I nodded in reply.

Sophie looked over at me as I sat down on the lounge in-between Seth and Ryan.

"I was just telling Seth about the first time I ever met you," Sophie said.

I smiled weakly, "He was so amazing that night, he was just meant to be on stage."

Seth let out a hollow laugh, "Yeah and he never missed an opportunity to demonstrate for us. You know I can still remember the first time dad made me watch this."

"Yeah me too," Ryan said.

"I remember that I was a little freaked out by all the signing, especially with all his dance moves in this scene!" Seth said, pointing at the screen where _Greased Lightning _was currently being performed.

"This was the first movie we ever actually watched together," I said dejectedly.

"Really?"

"Yeah, that was a good night," I said, smiling sadly, "Even with all the signing."

_I was sitting on the lounge in the house that Sandy shared off campus with a few friends. We had just got back from a date. We had been going out for over a month now and I was seriously falling for this guy. He was so different from everything my life had been before I moved to Berkeley, I loved that he was different. I was different here too, I liked this side of myself. It wasn't like it was a new me or anything, I was just able to express myself freely here. And Sandy was a large part of why I was able to._

"_Ok so, I figured that we've been dating for some time now," Sandy started saying as he walked out of the kitchen with drinks for the two of us. "And I realised what we have not watched a movie together."_

_I laughed at him, "Yes, I seem to recall an evening that had started buying tickets at the movie theatre but we never actually made it inside!"_

"_Well," Sandy said with a sly smile, "That was an amazing evening without the movie."_

_That was true, it was an unforgettable evening._

"_Well even if we had actually gone and seen that, I'm not talking about just any movie, I'm talking about THE movie."_

_I looked at him in utter confusion as he walked over the television cabinet and pulled out a video case. He hid it behind his back before I had an opportunity to see what the video was. He walked back over to me with a large grin on his face._

"_This," he started to explain, "Is the best movie ever made."_

_He pulled the video out from behind his back._

_I let out a small laugh, "Grease?"_

"_Yeah!"_

_I looked at him and shook my head, Grease had been my favourite movie since the first time I saw it when I was a kid. I just couldn't believe that it was Sandy's favourite movie, when I had dated Jimmy he had refused to watch it with me, claiming that any guy that watched a musical must be gay. I watched as Sandy walked away from me and put the video in the machine. He turned the TV on and picked up the remote from on top of the cabinet._

"_You have seen Grease before right?" he asked me, looking rather scared that I was going to say no._

"_Of course I have!"_

"_Good," he said softy, "Good."_

_He sat down next to me and pressed play. It started at exactly the right spot, Sandy and Danny on the beach. I looked over at Sandy and opened my mouth about to question him, but he spoke first._

"_Before you say anything, I always rewind it to the right place because I don't like wasting time trying to find the start," he said, defending his actions._

_I couldn't help but laugh, "You are such a loser."_

"_Oh but a loveable one, right?"_

"_Right," I said through my laughter, leaning in and placing a kiss on his lips as the opening credits started._

_Sandy opened his mouth, sliding his tongue past my lips, seeking out my tongue and slowly stroking it with his own. He gently pushed me back onto the lounge, moving his lips from my mouth to my neck and his hands ran from my face, slowly down my body finally resting on my hips. I moved my own hands from his back to his hair, I loved the feeling of his hair running through my fingers._

"_Sandy."_

"_Mmmhmm."_

"_Summer Lovin' is about to start," I said breathlessly as arched my back into his body._

_Sandy stopped his movements and looked at the screen, "I hope you know that you have to sing with me."_

"_No," I said, "No, I don't sing."_

"_Oh come on, you know you want to!"_

_As John Travolta started singing on screen, Sandy joined in._

"Summer Lovin' had me a blast_."_

_Sandy looked at him, practically begging me to join in. When I didn't, he started signing the next line along with Olivia Newton-John, "_Summer Lovin' happened so fast_."_

"Met a girl, crazy for me!_"_

_I took a deep breath, not believing I was actually going to do this, "_Met a boy, cute as can be_."_

_He smiled broadly at me as I joined him in singing the next lines. I just watched him as we continued to sing, he looked so cute and he had such a great voice._

_Sandy sung the last lines alone as I just sat there watching him in a trance. He turned to me as the scene changed, "What?"_

"_Wow," was all I could get out. "I could really get used to you signing for me."_

"_Oh really?"_

"_Definitely," I said as Sandy leaned in and placed a small kiss on my lips. "I can think of a few other things I could get used to as well."_

_He started laughing, "Oh baby, I think you're already used to those things."_

"_I think I may have forgotten," I replied innocently, "Care to give me a reminder?"_

"_How could I refuse," Sandy said as he placed a wet kiss on my neck, "I can't have you forgetting such things, can I?"_

_As Sandy continued to leave a trail of kisses up my neck and along my jaw, began to unbutton the shirt I was wearing._

"_What about Grease though?" I asked him in between my gasps for air._

"_Oh, I think it will still be there for us to watch later," he told me as he removed my shirt from around my shoulders. "Much, much later."_

As Grease continued to play in the background, I sat there wrapped up in my memories. I thought about all the times that Sandy and I had ever watched Grease together, and there were a lot! As I thought about the first time we attempted to watch it, it hit me for the first time that he was actually gone. I mean, I knew that he was gone, but I hadn't actually thought about it. But sitting here I truly realised all that I was losing. It wasn't just a husband I was losing, he was so much more than that. He was my best friend, my lover, my partner in crime, my confidant, my everything.

I didn't take notice as Sophie got up and said she was going to bed until she came over and hugged me, whispering that it would be okay in my ear. As she began to walk away I got up.

"I'll go get the guest room ready for you."

"No, no, don't worry about it Kirsten," she said.

And as I began to protest she held up her hand. "I'm sure I can manage, you just sit and relax," she told me, "Goodnight boys."

"Goodnight."

I sat back down between the boys. They were talking about the movie, which actually surprised me.

"Hey mum," Seth said, "Did you and Dad ever dance like that?"

I looked at the screen and laughed, "Uh no, the hand jive was a bit before our times."

"But you wanted to didn't you?"

"Well you seem to be forgetting that your father did do the hand jive when he was actually in Grease."

"Yeah but you weren't up there with him, surely all those hand movements were a turn on?"

"Seth!"

"Yeah, I don't really want to go down that road either," Seth said.

"Good idea," I said to him, not wanting to go back to thinking about what I would be missing.

"I'll save it for down the road when I get to tell my sister everything…" Seth said, tailing off.

I looked over at him as he got up and walked down the hallways and then upstairs. I looked at Ryan on my right and he shrugged his shoulders.

"I'm going to go see him," I said softly.

"Alright," Ryan said, "Well I'm going to go to bed, so goodnight."

"Goodnight Ryan," I said, watching him walked outside and into the pool house.

As I walked down the hall and up the stairs, I decided that tomorrow I was going to make Ryan move into the house. He was part of this family, he had been for a long time, it was time that he started living within the actual walls of the house.

As I reached Seth's bedroom, I tried to listen at the door for any movements from within. I heard nothing, so I knocked on the door softly.

"Seth?" I asked, "Can I come in?"

I waited for a moment but got no reply. I let out a sigh and let myself into his bedroom. As I turned the corner, I saw him laying face down on his bed. As I looked at him, I realised how young he actually was. The past few years I had looked at him and had seen him growing into a man, but I looked at him now and saw the six year old that was broken hearted over the passing of his grandmother and desperately wanting to leave too.

I said down on the edge of his bed, "Seth," I said softly as I placed my hand on his back. I heard him let out a sob, I knew that he had been crying, I just didn't know why he was trying to hide it.

"Do you want to talk?" I asked him.

I didn't get a reply, so I just sat there rubbing his back, offering any form of support I could. It wasn't long before he sat up and pulled me into a hug, letting his tears flow freely. I let him cry, not really knowing what to say to him, hoping that he would start talking first. Which he did.

"I just…" he started to say in-between sobs, "I realised that my sister is never going to meet our dad."

"I know," I said softly, fighting my own tears.

"It's not fair," he said into my shoulder. "I was thinking about how I was going to tell her all the tormenting stories of the two of you and your PDA and that's when it hit me that that was all she would ever have."

I let my tears fall as Seth talked, it was true, all that she would ever know of Sandy were the memories that we shared with her. "She may not have met him, but she'll know him, Seth," I said. "We'll tell her the best stories about him, everything from his bad jokes to his great advice."

Seth pulled his head up from my shoulder and looked at me through his teary eyes. "It's not the same though."

"I know," I said softly through my tears. "But it's the best that we can do."

Seth took a sharp intake as he tried to steady his breathing. He looked down at his hands, "It's still not fair."

"I know," I said, wrapping my arms around him and laying back down onto his bed with him. "I know."


	4. The one with all the coffee

**So... An update! Lol its only taken what seems liek forever!!!**

**I dont really like the way this ended up... But i got tired of trying to come up with something more for it!**

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** I'm Always There With You - Chapter 4. **

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I had been laying with Seth for nearly five hours, he had slowly drifted off to sleep a few hours ago, after an hours worth of tears from the both of us. I hadn't slept at all, i just layed there thinking things over, thinking about all that had to be done, everyone that needed to be called. I slowly removed my arms from around him, gently sitting up and getting off his bed. I walked to the door and shut it after me quietly in hopes of not waking Seth up. 

As I walked down the stairs I saw the kitchen light on, wondering who was up at 6am. I turned the corner and saw Sophie pouring herself a cup of coffee. She turned around as she heard me enter the kitchen, "Coffee?"

I nodded in reply, I had no intension of going to bed.

I went and sat at the table, staring at the photos on the wall opposite me, my eyes lingered on our wedding photo. He looked so handsome. It had been six hours since Sandy had taken his last breathes but when I thought about it, I didn't know whether it felt like days had past or only minutes. Sophie soon placed a cup of coffee in front of me, breaking my fixation on the photo and my thoughts.

"Are you okay?" Sophie asked me as she sat down in the empty chair next to me.

"No," I said softly to her. "But I imagine that you're not doing so good either."

Sophie let out a sigh, "It's just so… you know?"

"Yeah," I said softly as I nodded to her, I did know. It was so hard to describe, I never thought that I would have to say goodbye to him. I had never imagine what life would be like without him.

"They say a parents worst fear is having to bury a child," Sophie said softly, looking down at her cup of coffee.

I felt the tears begin to fall as I looked at the vulnerable woman sitting in next to me.

"I guess this is one fear I can't escape," She said, looking up at me with tears shining in her eyes. "Oh hey, don't you cry."

"I can't help it!" I choked out in between my sobs.

Sophie pulled her chair closer to mine, placing her arm around my shoulder. "We'll get through this," she said softly into my ear.

"That's what everyone keeps saying," I said softly. "But how can you be so sure?"

"Because, we're all here for each other, that's what family does," she told me, "We can make it through this together."

I let out yet another sob as Sophie pulled me into a hug. I hugged her back, like i would my own mother.

"Kirsten!" Sophie yelled as she pulled back a few minutes later.

"What?" I said as I wiped the last of my tears away.

"You," she said as she stood up and took my near empty coffee cup, "Shouldn't be drinking this!"

I rolled my eyes, "Well it's a bit late now that I've already drunk it."

Sophie stood there for a few seconds before saying "But I can stop you from drinking any more!"

At that moment Seth walked into the kitchen, "Mum, you're drinking!"

"No!" I said at the same time Sophie said "Yes!"

Seth looked back and forth between the two of us.

"No, I mean, she's not _drinking_ drinking," Sophie started explaining.

"I was just drinking coffee," I said.

"But that's not good for the baby, is it?" Seth asked as he grabbed an apple off the counter and walked over to me, sitting down in the chair Sophie had just vacated.

I opened my mouth to speak but Sophie was quicker. "No, it certainly isn't good for the baby."

"What's not good for the baby?" Ryan asked as he walked through the doors into the kitchen.

"Coffee," Seth replied to him.

"Oh yeah, no" Ryan said.

"Look you can all think what you want, but I continued to drink coffee the entire time I was pregnant with Seth."

Ryan let out a laugh, "Yeah and look how well that turned out!"

"Hey!" Seth yelled as he threw his uneaten apple at Ryan, successfully hitting him in the arm.

"Seth, go pick that up," I said.

"Urgh mum," he groaned.

"And you better eat it too," I told him.

"But it's been on the floor!" Seth whined.

"And whose fault is that?"

"Can I at least wash it first if you're forcing me to eat it?"

"I suppose I can let you wash it," I said to.

"Oh wow, such generosity," he replied as he walked over to the tap and let the water run over the apple.

He walked back to the table and looked from the apple to me.

"Are you seriously going to make me eat this?" he asked one more time.

"Yes," I said.

I watched him as he took his first few bites of the apple, laughing as he did so.

"Well as you finish that off, I'm going to go and have a shower," I told the three of them.

I walked down the hallway, not wanting to go into the room but knowing that there was no other option unless i wanted to go and steal clothes off somebody. And as that wasn't an option, i tried to distract myself by thinking of something else, which didn't exactly work out as something else always seemed to be Sandy.

"_Kirsten," Sandy said as he came up behind me in the line._

"_What?" I said sharply._

"_I thought I told you that you couldn't have coffee anymore!"_

"_Yeah well, I didn't like that rule, so I'm ignoring it," I said to him before turning back to the counter where I was next to be served._

"_Kirsten, it's not good for Ezekiel!"_

"_Ok first of all, I am not calling our son Ezekiel! And secondly , he'll be fine!" I said to him before I watched the person in front of me pay for their order and moved for me to place my order._

"_Hey," I said as I saw that Tom was on, he was a good friend of mine that I had worked with in the art gallery. _

"_Usual, Kirsten?" He asked me._

"_Actually no," I said, "Can I just get a caramel latte, with like double caramel?"_

_Tom let out a laugh, "Double caramel?"_

"_Yeah like as much caramel you can give me in it."_

"_Ok then, coming right up."_

_I paid him and turned around to find Sandy staring at me. "What?" I asked him._

"_Usual?" He questioned, "I though you hadn't been here, how would Tom know your regular order? Actually, how many times have you been here? Because Tom only started working here a few months ago."_

"_Look, you cannot expect me to live without coffee," I told him, "It's ridiculous!"_

"_So what? You've just been coming here secretly after I specifically told you not to?" he asked me._

_I didn't say anything for a moment, which was thankfully extended when my name was called for me to collect my order. I walked past Sandy and collected my drink, picking up a spoon and walked to the corner of the store and took a seat. Sandy soon found his way into the seat across from me._

"_Kirsten," he said softly._

"_Yes, Sandy?" I asked._

"_Look, I know how you feel about the coffee okay," he said, taking my left hand with the both of his. "But please, I am begging you to stop, just until the baby is born."_

_I let out a sigh, "Sandy, I'm nearly 6 months pregnant, I think it's a bit late now."_

"_It's never too late," he said stubbornly._

"_Look will it make you happy if we go and see the doctor?" I asked him._

"_Why?"_

"_So that she can tell you that drinking coffee is not recommended but it is not forbidden either," I told him as I picked up my bag and my coffee that were both sitting on the table, and headed for the door. _

_I heard Sandy groan behind me as he followed me out the door, catching up with me in seconds and taking my free hand in one of his. As we walked down the street I took my first sip of my drink. It was heaven._

"_Mmmh, this is so good!" I told Sandy, "Want a sip?"_

"_Uh, no thanks," he said._

"_Come on, it's good!" _

_I held the paper up to him and he took it out of my hand, taking a mouthful. After he swallowed, he let out a cough with a sour look on his face._

"_That is foul!" He said._

_I stopped walking and looked at him, "Are you kidding?"_

"_No! That really is gross," he replied, "How much caramel do you want in there? God, you might as well just go and buy caramel syrup!"_

"_I did but it didn't taste the same, so I just chucked it out," I explained to him as I continued to walk down the street._

"_Are you serious? You went and bought caramel syrup?" he asked me._

"_Well yeah," I said, giving Sandy a small smile, "The little one like caramel."_

"_That's just your excuse to have more of it," he said._

_I laughed softly, "Maybe, it's just so good!"_

"_If you say so, baby," Sandy said leaning in and leaving a kiss on my cheek before taking my hand back in his and leading the way around the corner and down the street to where our house was. I knew he would give up with the no coffee thing. _

I walked back into the kitchen after showering and getting dress for the day ahead, thinking that the morning hadn't gone that bad so far. The bedroom still felt cold and empty, but in a weird way, it still felt like Sandy. I looked around the kitchen and noticed that Sophie was the only one left in there.

"Where are the boys?" I asked her as I went and opened the fridge and took out the bottle of orange juice.

"Uh…" Sophie replied.

I shut the fridge and turned around asking again, "Where are the boys?"

"Out," she said.

"Out where?"

She paused for a moment, "I can't tell you."

"Why not?" I questioned.

"They made me promise not to tell you," she said rather quietly.

"So, I'm their mother," I said, "I'm worried enough, I need to know where they are."

"All you need to know is that they are fine, and they will be fine," Sophie said as I continued to glared at her. "They won't get in any trouble, I promise."

"Then what are they doing?" I questioned again.

Sophie let out a sigh, "I promise you that they aren't doing anything remotely disruptive, they're just trying to help."

"What would help me is knowing where they were!" I yelled in frustration.

"They're not far and they're not causing trouble," Sophie told me. "They're fine."

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**And thank you for the reviews! They seriously keep me going! **

**Oh and no... Sandy isn't alive and this isn't a dream... I seriously considered it when i was feeling really bad for killing Sandy lol but i decided against it. This is just a devastating fic in which Sandy dies. **


	5. The One where the Kids Go Missing

**Hey everyone! Merry Chrismukkah! **

**So… I have no internet! It's ridiculous! I've had this chapter written for about 3 weeks, I just haven't had the opportunity to post it! I'm hoping that as I nearly have the next 2 chapters finished I'll be able to post them soon, I figure I can have the next chapter up within like the next few days and then the next one up before new years. But my plans always seem to fall through lol, seeing as I planned to put this chapter up over a week ago, so who knows when I will _actually_ update!**

**So anyways, ignore me, I'm just going crazy with no internet. **

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**Chapter 5**

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I sat at the table while Sophie began bustling around the kitchen making lunch, asking me questions ever so often in an attempt to take my mind off both Sandy and the boys. She wasn't at all successful. My replies to her questions were always short, my eyes were drawn yet again to the photos on the wall opposite me. I looked over each of the photos thinking of each moment, each of them took me back to the moments in which they were taken. My favourite of all being one of Sandy, Seth and Ryan that I had taken one afternoon by the pool. They looked so happy.

I wondered if I would ever see the boys that happy again, if I would ever be that happy again. I doubted it.

I knew that I had the baby to keep me going, but even though the thought of that was so exciting and so promising, I couldn't help but think about how I was going to do this alone, that Sandy would miss it all. It just didn't seem fair.

"Kirsten?" I heard Sophie say as I felt her hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah," I replied.

"I asked if you wanted a sandwich?"

"Oh uh, no thanks," I told her.

"Well what else would you like then?" She asked me.

"Nothing, I'm not really hungry," I said to her with a small forced smile.

"Kirsten, you have to eat," She told me.

"No, really, I'm fine."

Sophie looked at me for a moment before walking away after I once again said "I'm fine."

I took a deep breath, I really wasn't in the mood to eat anything. My stomach felt like it was doing cartwheels, I didn't think I would be able to keep any food down.

As I listened to Sophie's shoes clicking against the tiles, the phone rang. I quickly turned hoping I wasn't imagining it. I wasn't, Sophie had stopped too.

I got up and went to the phone.

"Hello?"

"Mum it's Seth," I heard Seth say on the other end.

I let out a deep breath of relief, "Thank god, where are you?"

"We're on our way home now so we won't be long," he said in reply.

"Ok then," I said, "But where are you?"

"I'll explain everything when we get home okay."

"No Seth I want to -"

The line went dead.

I must have had a look of pure madness on my face as Sophie had come up to me and was leading me to the table and telling me to calm down.

"_Do not tell me to calm down," I hissed through gritted teeth. "Sandy, our only child is missing!"_

"_He's not missing Kirsten, he's just -"_

"_He's just what Sandy? What?" I said. _

_Sandy just looked away from me to the security guard that was walking towards us. I knew I was being a bitch but I couldn't help it. My four year old son was god knows where and apparently all we could do was wait. _

_I stood by as Sandy talked to the security guard, not that it was helping. We had already spoken to him a thousand times and he was still offering us nothing but "He'll turn up, they always do." _

_Sandy and the guard were making their way over to me and I just stood there wndering what they were going to tell me this time._

"_Mam can you think of anywhere that your son would go in the shopping centre?" the security guard asked me as Sandy stood beside me, putting his arm around my waist._

"_Not really, everyone's been looking in the toy store and the comic book store," I told him._

"_Would he have gone to one of the other stores? Would he have gone down to the food court?" he asked._

"_No," I said. "No way, Seth is scared of the elevator so he wouldn't have gone down there."_

"_What about the stairs?"_

"_I highly doubt it, Seth doesn't even like to walk down the stairs at home alone," Sandy said to the guard._

"_Okay then, well we'll keep a look out and get back to you."_

_I watched as the guard walked away and started talking into his walkie-talkie._

"_Sandy I think we should go call him over the PA system again," I said to Sandy._

"_Honey, we did five minutes ago," he said. "Let's just go have another search of the store."_

_I followed Sandy as he took my hand and we walked through the store. I doubted we would find him, he had been gone for an hour now and we had called him to the front desk at least a dozen times and nobody had seen him. I was beginning to think that someone had taken him._

_We had been walking through the store for 10 minutes when suddenly I heard someone yelling "MUM!"_

_I turned around and saw Seth running towards us._

"_Seth!" I yelled as I rand to meet him and picked him up in my arms and hugged him as hard as I could. "Where have you been?"_

"_Didn't you not hear your name being called and being told to go to the front desk?" Sandy asked him._

"_Yes." Seth replied softly._

"_Then why didn't you come?" Sandy asked as he took Seth out of my arms and into his._

"_Because you sounded mad."_

"_Oh, Seth." I said as I kissed the back of his head._

"_I'm sorry Mummy," Seth said as I pulled him into a hug. "I was just watching Power Rangers on the tv but then it turned off so I went to find the remote, but it wasn't there!"_

"_It's okay son, just as long as you're okay," Sandy told him._

"Where the hell have you been?" I asked as soon as the front door opened.

I watched Seth jump as I surprised him at the front door with my questions ready, "Ok just promise you won't freak out."

"I can't promise anything."

"Just keep in mind that we only did this to help you out," Ryan said from behind Seth. "We aren't trying to shut you out or belittle you -"

"Yeah we just want to make all this a little bit easier," Seth said while looking at Ryan and nodding his head.

"Okay I get it. You're just helping. Now stop delaying and just tell me where you have been," I said impatiently.

Seth and Ryan both looked at each other before turning back to me and saying at the same time, "The police station."

"What?!"

**I know this is short lol but hey next chapter is longer! Lol I just need to finish it and figure out when I can post it!**

**Oh and today I got my HSC results… I _DIDN'T_ FAIL!!! Lol how sweet is that! Lol I didn't do great or anything, but I really thought I would have gotten like 0!!! So I'm actually pretty stoked right now! And I can't believe that I did best in Maths! Lol seriously, I suck at maths! Oh and not to mention that we are only 6 sleeps from Christmas! Which means that in 6 more sleeps I will have Summer Lovers on dvd… And I don't think I need to mention what that means!**

**Lol anyways, in case I don't get online again anytime soon, Merry Christmas!**


	6. The One with All the Arrangements

-1**Thank you all so much for your reviews last chapter! I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas! Mine wasn't that great, not only were there arguments and a drunk mother but I also missed The Man Who Saved Christmas!!! I was like going to make it a new tradition, like I mean Kelly Rowan and Christmas go hand in hand! Lol but yeah stupid family, they made me miss the whole movie! **

**The past few days since Christmas have been good though, I got to watch the movies I got… Summer Lovers, American Beauty, While You Were Sleeping and The Underneath… Peter Gallagher overload much!?! I'm pretty sure it's official that he is the most sexual man ever! I so want his babies.**

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**Chapter 6**

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"I told you not to freak out," Seth said quietly while looking down at his feet.

"What in the world possessed you to -" I started yelling without holding back to let them know how angry I was, before Ryan cut me off.

"Well actually at the hospital last night two officers came to question you but I turned them away and said we would see them today."

"What? When?" I asked, utterly confused. I didn't remember seeing any police officers, I don't even remember Ryan leaving the room.

"Yeah well you may not have taken any notice at the time -" Ryan began.

"Which is totally understandable," Seth said nodding his head in support.

"Not too long after we arrived at the hospital the police arrived," Ryan explained. "I headed them off before they were able to get anywhere near you."

"Oh, ok," I whispered mainly to myself, yet again I was being reminded of how much responsibility I had now handed over to the boys without even meaning to. They didn't deserve this,.

"And they've started searching for… the guy," Seth said, pulling me out of my own thoughts and back to the conversation that was taking place.

As what Seth said those words I tried to rationally make sense of the whole situation, but all that I could register was that he was out there. Before now I hadn't even thought about the guy who had caused all of this, it had all happened so fast that it never really registered that not only did Sandy die, but he was killed. I could feel their eyes on me, waiting for my reaction, but I didn't have one. What can you even say when your son tells you that the police are searching for your husband's killer?

When I continued to just stand there, Ryan started to explain, "they've collected all the security videos from the area and are trying to identify the guy."

"They uh, said that when they have a lead they will call and they want you to come down to the station, so you know, you can try and identify him," Seth said.

Once again I was silent, I simply nodded.

"And not to bring more bad news today but um, the funeral director is stopping by in a few hours."

"Oh," I said, not knowing what else to say.

"Yeah, uh last night I was talking to him and he said we should meet as soon as possible," Ryan said, walking over to me and placing a hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."  
"No, it's - it's okay, thanks for uh, handling all that," I didn't know what else to say, I hadn't thought about the funeral and now once again being shown how much I had thrown on the boys.

"It's okay, like we said, we just want to help."

"I know, and I am so sorry," I said, not thinking about the words that were coming out.

"Hey no, don't be sorry, we want to help," Ryan said strongly.

"I know you do, but you two shouldn't have to take responsibly and do all this," I told them, wanting them to know how truly sorry I was that I was allowing this to happen.

"Mum, it's okay, we understand," Seth said, making his way closer to me. "We're here for you."

"I know," I said quietly before walking away from the three of them, heading towards the bedroom.

As I walked into the bedroom I wondered if that empty feeling would always be there, or if it would eventually fade. I slowly made my way over and laid on the bed, scared of the idea that our memories of Sandy would fade over time. I didn't want to forget, I couldn't forget. Sandy would always be the most important part of my life, he saved me.

It seemed like only seconds later I heard a knock on the bedroom door and Seth's voice calling out to me. I let out a yawn and looked at the clock. 4:15pm.

"Mum," I heard Seth say again. "Are you awake?"

"Yeah," I said. "I'll be out in a minute."

"Okay, well the funeral director is here," he said. "We'll be in the lounge room."

As I listened to Seth's footsteps fade away I felt myself begin to panic. I knew that it was coming, but still the idea of making the arrangements scared me. I knew that I had to go out there, but I didn't want to.

I took a deep breath before standing up and making my way out of the bedroom. As I walked down the hallway and around the corner I could hear voices in the lounge room. When I heard the voice of a man I didn't know I could my stomach churning. My steps became slower as I walked past the stairs and continued slowly down the remainder of the hallway.

"Oh Kirsten good, come sit down," Sophie said as I walked into the room. Sophie stood and directed me into the empty space next to her. I looked around and saw Seth and Ryan sitting on the other lounge and the funeral director sitting on a chair from the kitchen table in the middle of the room.

"Mrs Cohen," the man said as he nodded his head. "Jack Williams."

I nodded back to him and he continued on.

"So as I was saying to the others today we just want to make the arrangements, so anything you have to say just say," he said. "I know this is a difficult time and it's hard to think clearly but we really need to organise it all so that we can arrange for the service to be held as soon as possible -"

I could hear him talking but my mind drifted. I wasn't Mrs Cohen anymore, I was widowed, I had the name but I didn't have the connection. I wasn't a Mrs anymore, I didn't have a husband. Sure I would still be Mrs Cohen, but not really.

"Mum?" I heard Seth said

"Huh?"

"Dad wanted to be buried not cremated, right?" He asked me softly.

"Yeah."

"Ok so -" Jack started to say, but I blocked the rest out. I knew it was selfish but I really couldn't do this.

"I'm sorry," I said softly before getting up and walking to the front door where I picked up my bag and walked out the door.

As I shut the door and made my way to the car I could hear them calling out to me, but I ignored them. I couldn't do it. I started the car and backed out of the drive way as Seth ran out the front door after me. I knew I shouldn't have done it, but I just couldn't handle it. I didn't want to be making plans to bury my husband while I was pregnant with his child. It was all wrong.

It was only a few minutes later when my phone started to ring. I pulled over and looked at the screen, home.

I took a breath and answered, "Hello."

"Kirsten," I heard Ryan say tentatively.

"I'm sorry, I just needed to get out of there," I said trying desperately not to cry.

"It's okay, we understand."

We both went quiet at this point. I didn't know what to say and I knew Ryan didn't either.

"We're here for you Kirsten," Ryan said, breaking the silence.

"I know," I said softly.

"Take as much time as you need, we'll be here for you when you get back."

I hung up and thought of how alike and how different Sandy and Ryan were at the same time. I knew that I would never be able to forget Sandy with Ryan and Seth around, they both were so much like him and yet so different. I never wanted to forget Sandy and I knew I never would.

"_Kirsten please, just talk to me!"_

"_I don't want to talk about it," I yelled back at him as he forced his way through the bedroom door that I was attempting to close on him._

"_Kirsten," he said softly as he shut the door behind him and I made my way to sit on the bed that I had slept in for the first 17 years of my life._

"_Sandy please, just leave me alone," I begged. I didn't want him to be like this, I wanted to be alone, I didn't want Sandy trying to protect me._

"_Kirsten, I know that this is horrible but you cannot turn to alcohol."_

"_Sandy, my mother just died," I told him. _

"_You know I don't like it when you drink_

"_And you know I don't like it when you tell me what to do," I said back. I needed the alcohol, I needed to be numb, I needed to escape._

"_Kirsten, please don't be like this."_

"_Be like what?" I asked. "Like a normal person?"_

"_I don't think it's normal to drink an entire bottle of vodka in one night."_

"_Don't you judge me. You have no right!" I yelled back at him._

"_I'm not juding you! I just want to help!" He said._

"_You can help me by leaving."_

"_Kirsten," he said softly._

"_No, Sandy. I cant deal with this right now. Can you please just take Seth and go. I just want to be alone" I said, starting to cry._

_There was a long silence, I turned over and laid face down on my bed letting the tears fall. A few minutes later I felt Sandy's weight lift off the bed, thankful that he was finally leaving. I felt his breath on my neck and wished he wouldn't, I couldn't handle him being good to me after how badly I had treated him the past 2 days.  
"I love you," he whispered into my ear, lingering for a moment, moving my hair out of the way and leaving a kiss on my cheek._

_I rolled over and watched as he walked away. Why did he have to be so perfect? Why couldn't he be like every other husband and not care about my alcoholic intake. I knew I was going to follow him, I just needed to work the courage up to actually do it. _

_Five minutes later I ran down the stairs two at a time, attempting to go as fast as my body would allow without falling over in a drunken heap. _

_As I came around the corner of the hallway I caught sight of Sandy picking Seth up and carrying him out of the front door. My mind was telling me to run after him but my legs weren't getting the message. I just stood there forcing myself to breathe looking at the door that my world had just shut on me. _

_Of all the times that I had yelled at Sandy, telling him leave, he never had. He had never once walked away from me, and now he finally had. I made my way back to the stairs and sat down with my head in my hands. I didn't know what to do._

"_Kirsten?" _

_I looked up from the bottom step that I was sitting on five minutes later, in disbelief. "I thought you left," I whispered through my tears._

_Sandy slowly knelt down in front of me, cupping my face with his hands, "You know I would never leave you."_

_A fresh batch of tears started leaking down my face at this. _

"_Hey, don't cry," Sandy said as he began wiping the tears away with his loving hands. _

"_I can't stop," I gasped as it became increasingly more difficult to breathe._

_I watched through bleary eyes as Sandy stood up in front and lifted my into his arms off of the stairs. I put my arms around his neck as he began to ascend the stairs._

_As he carried me into the room I attempted to steady my breathing so that I could say something to him. He gently lowered my onto the bed and I weakly told him to stay._

_He looked down at me and everything melted away as I gazed into his eyes. He always had that effect on me, his eyes always seemed like they could see every part of me. "Of course," he said softly as he laid on the bed behind me and pulled me into his arms. _

"_I love you."_

"_I know," he said softly back to me. "I love you too."_

"_Where's Seth?" I asked, suddenly realising that Seth didn't come back with him._

"_I dropped took him next door, he wanted to play with Mark," Sandy explained_

_I nodded in reply, taking in the warmth that Sandy's touch gave me._

"_Thank you," I said after a few moments._

"_For what?" he asked me._

_I took a deep breath, "For staying."_

"_I told you I'm never going to leave you," he said quietly as he leant down and kissed my ear._

"_Good," I said as I pulled his arm around my waist tighter. "I'll hold you to that."_

_I heard Sandy let out a small laugh before whispering in my ear, "I'll always be here for you."_

I walked through the front door nearly an hour later and was me by two sets of arms pulling me into a hug.

I gave each of the boys a kiss on the cheek as Sophie ushered us al into the kitchen.

"Are you okay?" Sophie asked me as soon as we all sat at the table.

"Yeah," I said. "I'm fine, I just needed to get out of the house."

"Ok, good." Seth said from behind me.

The room went silent as the room went silent, I didn't have anything else to say and apparently neither did they.

"Oh um, the police called," Seth said.

"Oh and they -" I started to ask before Ryan jumped in.

"They want you to come down to the station as soon as possible."

"Ok then," I said, nodding my head, leaving the silence to fill the room again. "Well I guess I'll get going now."

I stood up and so did the Sophie, Seth and Ryan.

"You know, you don't all have to come with me," I said as we walked out of the kitchen.

"Sure we do," Seth said as we started walking up the stairs to the door.

I rolled my eyes as the boys pushed me towards the door with Sophie following. "Wait, I just need to get my purse."

"Mum!"

"It's just in the kitchen, ill be two seconds."

I ran into the kitchen and grabbed my purse, wanting to get this over with as soon as possible. As I walked out of the kitchen I stopped as I heard the door bell ring. Seth, Ryan and Sophie all turned to me. I knew they were asking without asking if I wanted to see anyone.

"Is someone going to answer that?" I asked.

Seth quickly ran up the few steps that led to the door and opened it slightly.

"Summer!"

**I'm so glad that I actually got one last update in for 2007! Lol I tried my hardest and it actually happened! Yay! I hope everyone has a great New Years! I know I will, this is the first time in 4 years that I havent had to stay at home while my parents and brother go up and stay at my Aunt's for the week! So I plan to go out and get extremely drunk! **

**Oh and Ella the HSC is the big exams that the Year 12s do. We sat them back in October I think. HSC stands for Higher School Certificate. Having the results back has made it actually hit me that im actually finished school. Lol it feels so weird… but I guess once I start working next month it wont feel so weird as ill no longer be sitting at home doing nothing except watching Ellen, Maury Povich, E News Live and Girls of the Playboy Mansion… Although I do admit I will miss them all lol.**


	7. The one with all the Thinking

**Thank you all for your reviews! I love reading them all! And for anyone who read my other story, Bob. He's making a comeback! Chapter 3 of Bob should be up sometime this week!**

**Now, this chapter is for Ashley! Dude, I am missing you so much! And seriously, I know you don't like Kandy, but im pretty sure you want to read this now that ive brought Summer into it! **

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**Chapter 7**

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"Summer, what are you doing here?" Seth questioned as he looked around at each of us standing there, wondering if we had an explanation.

"Did you think that I would leave you alone to go through all this," Summer said rather quietly, obviously wondering if Seth had in fact thought she wouldn't be here for him.

"I just -" Seth started saying but couldn't find any words. "It's just uh, last time we spoke you said you didn't want to come back."

I watched Summer as she looked down at the floor. "I did say that," she said, not lifting her eyes form the floor. "And I meant it too, but I need to be here for you."

Her statement was met by silence, which was soon broken by Sophie.

"Well, we're glad you could make it," she said rather sincerely.

Summer smiled sadly, "I'm so sorry."

"Oh, sweet don't be sorry," I said sadly.

"I know, sorry doesn't help," she said. "But it's just so…"

"Unfair," Seth offered.

"Yeah," Summer said, returning her gaze to the floor.

Nobody spoke after that, but it was clear what everybody had on their minds.

As much as I loved Summer, I didn't want to be sitting around listening to yet another set of apologies. Like Summer had said, they never help.

I cleared my throat and took a step closer to the door. "Why don't you guys stay here and get Summer settle and I'll just -" I started before I was cut off.

"I'm still coming with you," Seth said. "Summer knows where everything is."

"No Seth, it's okay," I said. "You just stay with Summer, I'll be fine on my own."

"I'm not letting you go to the police station alone," Ryan said as he stepped in between me and the door.

"Ryan," I said softly, not wanting to argue.

Ryan didn't reply, he just stood there giving me that look, the one that he had never really given me before, the look that said don't argue with me and I will hurt you if I have to.

"Mum," Seth said, making his way to stand next to Ryan. "Please."

I shook my head and let out a deep breath as they both continued to just stare at me, silently begging. "Fine, but I'm driving."

Both Ryan and Seth stepped aside and I walked past them opening to door and heading outside to the car. I opened the door to the Lexus RX 400h and got in the drivers seat, as I sat there waiting for the boys to get in I smelt a faint and familiar smell but before I could recognise it the passenger door opened. I looked to my left and saw Sophie getting in, I then looked in the back and saw Seth, Ryan and Summer sharing the backseat. I knew there was no point in arguing, they were all coming and I had no say in the matter.

As they al buckled their belts, I reversed out of the driveway and headed down the familiar road. The boys started a conversation with Summer in the back seat as my mind wandered to the familiar smell. It took a moment before I realised what it was, the smell of a post-surf Sandy. I started thinking of all the morning when I would wake up to that smell and the feel of Sandy's lips pressed against mine.

_My eyes fluttered open as I felt Sandy's lips on my skin, I shivered under his touch as he started a train of kisses from my shoulder. I reached up to run my fingers through his hair, but I stopped as soon as my hands got there. His hair was wet._

"_Sandy," I said, moving away from his touch._

"_Mmmhh?" he offered back in reply, continuing his slow trail of kisses, which were now on my neck._

"_Why are you wet?"_

"_I've finally found something I love, other than you, in Newport," He said to me. _

_I stared back at him in confusion, silently telling him to elaborate._

"_I went surfing!" Sandy replied with an enthusiastic smile._

_I looked up at Sandy with a smile, opening my mouth to say something, except nothing came out. I opened it and closed it one more time but I just didn't know what to say._

_Sandy let out a small laugh and leaned in to kiss me, but as soon as our lips connected I pulled back._

"_What?" he asked._

"_I just.." I started saying before changing my mind and deciding to take a direct approach. "You need to take a shower."_

"_Why?" he asked._

"_I'm sorry," I said, pushing Sandy off of me. "But you've been with the fish."_

_The only response I got was obnoxious laughter as he stood up and started walking away._

"_Sandy, I'm serious."_

"_Ok, ok," Sandy said, making his way back over to the bed. As he "Are you going to join me?"_

"_Fine, I'll join you if you get off of me!"_

_I watched him as he stood up and held a hand out, I smiled up at him as I took his hand and he pulled me up off the bed. He dropped my hand as we entered the bathroom, walking over to the shower and opening the glass door, turning the taps on and taking a moment to adjust them to the right temperature._

_My eyes followed his movements as he pulled his shirt over his head before he turned towards me, throwing his shirt at me for me to catch and drop on the floor next to me. _

"_Are you coming?" He asked me as his hands moved towards the buttons on his board shorts. _

"_You get in first," I said as I watched his shorts drop to the floor. "Clean up good then I'll get in."_

"_What? You're not going to help me?" he asked, pouting his lips dramatically._

"_Just get rid of the fish and then I'll get in," I told him as I tried not to laugh._

"_What fish!? No fish came near me," he said._

"_They we still in the ocean with you… Swimming around you," I said quietly with a shiver._

_Sandy shook his head as he stepped into the shower, "I'll never understand how you can eat fish even though you are apparently terrified of them."_

"_I'm not terrified of them," I defended. "They just… freak me out. They're just so… Urgh! Plus eating fish is totally different. Not only are they already dead so they aren't wiggling around but they are also cooked so they are no longer all slimy and smelly."_

"_You're crazy," Sandy said, shaking his head yet again._

"_Yeah, but you love me for it," I said as I watched Sandy close his eyes and step fully under the stream of water._

_Sandy let out a laugh, "That I do."_

_As I watched Sandy begin to wash his hair, I began to undress. After dropping my clothes on the floor with Sandy's shirt, I made my way slowly to the shower. I quietly stepped in and wrapped my arms around Sandy's waist from behind. _

_I felt him jump slightly before he left out a small laugh as his hands joined mine, "What about the fish?"_

"_I figured you've washed them away by now," I said, leaving a kiss on the back of his neck._

"_I completely agree," he said as he turned around with my arms still around him. _

_I smiled up at him before I leaned in and placed a soft kiss on his lips._

"_I love you," I said softly as I pulled back._

"_I love you too," Sandy said, leaning back in and kissing me again._

"_See," I said. "If you didn't go surfing, we could have spent the whole morning like this."_

"_Oh but honey, I can't ignore the call of the sea!" he explained, "I think it's going to have to become part of my new morning routine."_

"_So you're going to pass me up for the ocean?" I asked._

"_Why have just one, when I can have both," he laughed, kissing my cheek._

"Red Light," I heard Seth say in the distance. "Mum, red light. MUM!

"What?" I said as I finally took notice.

"STOP!"

I slammed on the breaks and the car skidded to a stop, just over the white line on the road. I took my hands off the steering wheel as I looked up at the red light that I had not seen.

"Mum, maybe I should drive…"

I stayed silent, thinking. Thinking of the red light I nearly ran. Of the accident I could have caused. Of the lives I could have ended. I slowly nodded my head in reply to Seth's request to drive.

The light turned green and everybody looked at me. I put my hands back on the wheel and slowly drove through the lights. I pulled over on the side of the road and jumped out of the car and ran away from the car as I felt a familiar sensation. I bent over as I tried to take deep breaths, hoping that my stomach would settle and I wasn't going to vomit. Unfortunately, it didn't work and the contents of my stomach were soon lying in the grass on the side of the road.

I was coughing up what felt like all of my insides as I felt a hand on my back. I turned my head to see Summer smiling sadly back at me.

"Are you okay?" Summer asked quietly as she continued rubbing my back. "Sorry, stupid question. Here," she said, offering me a bottle of water.

"Thanks," I said, taking the bottle from her. I attempted to wash the taste out of my mouth,

"Feel any better?" Summer asked me.

"Not really," I told her as I heard footsteps behind us.

"Mum, are you alright?" Seth asked as he came and stood in front of me.

"I'm fine Seth."

I closed my eyes and put my head in my hands as I sat on the ground, taking deep breaths, trying to relax.

"Mum are you ready to go?" Seth asked quietly a few minutes later.

"Yeah," I said quietly. "Let's go."

I sat in the back seat next to Summer as Seth continued driving us towards to Police Station. I felt myself beginning to panic slightly. I didn't want to go to, I just wanted to go home. I didn't want to face that man who had taken my life away.

**I hope you all enjoyed this chapter… It's taken me forever to write! And then forever to post! Lol I started writing it like around Christmas, and I actually had it finished at one point… But then you know, I couldn't post it when I finished it because I had no internet access so then the more I went back over it the more I hated it… Lol so this one that I posted is something like the 4th re-write! It's like the exact opposite of what it was originally! **


	8. The one with all the bonding

**Hey everyone, sorry its taken a while to update… Ive had this chapter written for a while but ive had a few personal dramas so I havent had the chance to update.**

**Ok so, Seth and Summer, they're together… Theyre just all awkward, kind of like they were in The Avengers and that, but for different reasons. I don't even really know the timeline for this myself! But I would say its set just before Christmukkah Season 4... I keep changing the time line around because im stupid, but everything should explain itself within the next few chapters… Whenever I get around to writing them! Thanks for all your reviews, theyre much appreciated!  
**

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**Chapter 8 **

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I was sitting in the middle, back seat of the Lexus, blankly staring out the windscreen at the road we were travelling down. I hadn't said a word since we left the station. Everyone around me was speaking, but I didn't hear what they were saying. It was like there was a shield in my mind that just deflected everything everyone said.

I looked over at Summer as I felt her hand on my knee. I saw her lips moving, but nothing was making sense. After nodding a few times to her to make it seem like I was listening, I closed my eyes and leaned my head back on the head rest.

The time spent at the police station kept running through my mind as if I had it on repeat. It was as if I was somebody else, watching a woman who looked like an altered version of myself, walking dejectedly through the building and into a small room. I watched myself breakdown as I looked through the two-way mirror and saw a face I had only ever seen once and had never wanted to see again. As I began to hyperventilate I could see Seth coming towards me attempting to calm me, at the time I didn't realise that it was Seth or that I was even having difficulty breathing. I still don't remember how I got out of that room, I only remember sitting in a chair at one of the officers desks, telling them that number 3 was the man.

I was soon being half carried out of the station by Ryan and Seth, which I also don't really remember. And now here I am, driving into the estate. I couldn't wait for the moment when the car would stop. I already had a plan, I wanted to go straight to bed. So I when we got out of the car, I told everyone I had a headache and that I was going to sleep and I would see them in the morning.

I had gone to bed with no fuss from anyone, I hit the pillows but sleep didn't come. It was hours before my tears had stopped running and sleep finally came.

I woke up the next morning to a quiet house, which was understandable as it was only 6am. I made myself breakfast before wandering back to the bedroom where I decided to watch Bridget Jones' Diary. It was over an hour later before I even heard anybody awaken, I stayed in my room though, letting them find me.

"Hey Kirsten," I heard Summer say from the bedroom door as I got up off of the bed as the movie had finished.

"Oh hey Summer, what's going on?" I asked, making my way towards the tv.

"Well, the boys left with the Nana to go to the supermarket and then to pick Paul, Sarah and whatever other family members up at the airport.," She explained, slowly making her way to the tv next to me.

"Oh you didn't want to go?" But before Summer could answer, I answered myself. "Or you were forced to baby-sit me."

"Hey, there was no force needed," Summer said as she watched me searching through the cabinet. "So what are you doing?"

"Well I just finished watching Bridget Jones and," I said, finally finding the dvd I was looking for and holding it up for Summer to see. "I'm about to watch the second one."

"Oh my god, I love Bridget!" Summer

"Me too," I said with a wide smile, grateful that I had something in common with Summer. "I have a bit of a weakness for British accents."

"Really?" Summer asked rather surprised.

"Oh yeah," I said, nodding my head. "I just have this fascination with them."

Summer started laughing, "Why? They're so weird!"

"I really don't know," I said, trying to find a way to explain myself. I had never even understood the fascination myself. "All I know is that it probably started when I was about 10 and my parents took me to Europe. I loved England, I never wanted to leave." I smiled to myself as I continued, "And Sandy and I went there not too long before Seth was born. That was the last time I went. Which is when the British movies started kicking in. I was in love with Notting Hill forever!"

"Aww, that movie is so awesome!" Summer said before letting out a sigh. "I like loved Hugh Grant so much in that. It was so sweet. Kind of reminds me of me and Cohen."

"Oh yeah?" I asked curiously.

"Yeah, well I mean two totally different people," she began explaining. "I'm Julie Roberts obviously, and you know Seth and Hugh both have that geeky thing going on, easily overlooked."

I just sat there smiling, they were so in love. I wanted to hear more about their relationship, I wanted to know more about Summer.

"You know what we should do?" I said to her as I put Bridget Jones: The Edge Of Reason in the dvd player.

"What?"

"We should sit here and watch some British movies!" I exclaimed, I was genuinely excited at the thought of spending the day doing nothing but watching some of my favourite movies with Summer.

"Really?" She said, rather skeptically.

"Yeah, why not?"

"Uh for one, we have a whole bunch of people arriving here in a few hours," she pointed out.

"Yes, I suppose that is true," I said, contemplating what to do now. "You know what, we should do it any way! I mean, we can just watch like 2 or 3 movies, that way we should be nearly done when they get back. Plus, right now I think that a day of nothing but some of my favourite movies is exactly what I need."

"Ok then.

"Good," I said to her, before turning back to the cabinet to look for more movies. "So I have quite a selection that we can watch. Since I just put Bridget in I think we should watch that."

"No arguments here," Summer said, smiling down at me as I continued to look for movies.

"Then we could watch Notting Hill or About A Boy," I said to her, pulling out the dvd's as I found them. "Oh and we can't forget Love Actually."

"I've actually never seen Love Actually," Summer said as she knelt down beside me, taking the dvd's out of my hands.

I just gawked at her, "I'm sorry, you what?"

"Yeah no, when it came out Seth wouldn't go see it with me of course because doesn't approve of watching "soppy, girlie movies" as he likes to call them," She started explaining, rolling her eyes. "And then I just never got around to watching it after it came out on dvd."

"Well then," I said. "We will just have to watch it right after we finish Bridget."

"Awesome," Summer said, taking the Love Actually dvd out of my hands.

"Although I should warn you now, I cry every time I watch it… And I'm probably going to be a million times worse than normally so you may just want to start preparing to ignore me now."

"Perhaps its best if we go and get lots and lots of chocolate then…" Summer said as she walked over to the bed and placed the four dvd's on the bed. "Chocolate always make everything better, well I guess not everything, I mean, you know…"

"It's ok Summer…" I said quietly, looking down at my feet, knowing she was thinking about Sandy. "You can say it."

"No, I'm really sorry, it's insensitive."

"No really its alright," I said, walking over to her and placing my hands on her shoulders. "I've come to terms with the fact that he actually is gone." I took a deep breath and closed my eyes before continuing. "I just have to find a way to deal with it. And at the moment I think what I need is lots and lots of British movies… And yes, lots of Chocolate!"

Summer let out a small laugh as I took her hand and led her to the kitchen where I knew there was a stash of chocolate.

It was about 10 minutes later that Summer and I returned to the bedroom, arms full of ever kind of chocolate we could find, as well as a few packets of lollies and a water bottle each.

"I think we got enough food for us to last a lifetime!" Summer exclaimed, dumping the contents of her arms on the bed.

"I could eat all this myself!" I told her, as I followed suit and threw the food on the bed.

"So could I," Summer said before breaking into a fit of giggles, which must have been contagious as I was soon giggling along with her.

As our giggles subsided, I walked over to the dvd player and grabbed the remote off the top of it. I pressed the play button, aiming the remote over my shoulder as I headed back to the bed where Summer and our glorious mountain of food was. I climbed under the covers and sunk down the bed, making myself comfortable, and after some prompting Summer joined me.

As the movie started, I reached for a plain bar a of chocolate, offering a piece to Summer before eating the whole lot of it myself.

As we watched Bridget climbing through the bushes in an attempt to see Mark cheating on her, I wanted to start sharing with Summer. "You know I once thought Sandy was having an affair."

"Really?" She said, dropping the chocolate she had in her hand and turning her head to face me.

"Yeah," I said, smiling weakly and nodding my head. "We had just gotten engaged and he was working all the time, except of course I didn't understand why he would be working as much as he was and so I was convinced he was cheating on me."

"So what did you do?"

"Well my best friend at the time, Lily, wanted me to stalk him," I began explaining. "But I was dead set against it. I just… I didn't want to know, either way. I was determined to believe the best of him, but if he really was cheating on me, I thought it would be best if I didn't know."

"So you didn't stalk him?" She questioned.

"No. I did," I said, trying not to laugh.

"What?" Summer said in disbelief.

"Yeah…" I said softly, shaking my head. "Well, time when on and Sandy was still working 24/7. And when he was home, he never really wanted to you… Well you know."

Summer let out a nervous laugh, "Yeah."

"So that was pretty much the deciding factor," I said. "I knew that I had to do something. So Lily and I decided to follow him one day…We sat out the front in her car. After several hours and realising he actually was at work, we went to the store down the road and got snacks…"

"_Kirsten come on, he should be finishing in an hour anyway!" Lily said to me as she locked her car and we began to walk down the street. "We've been here for hours as it is! If we leave now it's been pointless!"_

"_Well, maybe this whole thing is pointless," I told her as she linked her arm with mine. "Maybe Sandy really is _just_ working."_

"_But you don't believe that," she said as she stopped walking, forcing me to stop too. "I know you Kirsten, and I know that you don't believe him."_

_I looked down at my feet, she was right. I didn't believe him. "I just…" I began to say, looking back up to her. "I want to believe him, but it's just…"_

"_He turned down sex," she said nodding her head. "I know."_

"_I didn't think it was even possible for any man to turn down sex!"_

"_I know sweetie," Lily said again nodding her head. "And it's true. I haven't met any guy that would ever turn down sex."_

_I sighed and rolled my eyes as Lily began walking again, dragging me with her._

"_Now," she said. "Let's go get some food as I am starving, and then we can continue to stake him out!"_

_As we entered the small store, I headed straight for the chocolates. I picked up a block of plain chocolate and then walked into the next isle to find Lily. _

"_Kirsten!" Lily yelled when she saw me. "Help me, I can't make up my mind. Salt and Vinegar or Cheese and Onion?"_

"_Uh," I said, staring at her blankly. "I don't care."_

"_Well what kind of help are you," Lily said to me as she stepped back and looked at the two packets of chips sitting on the shelf. _

_After a few minutes I started tapping my foot impatiently, "Lily."_

"_Ok, ok," she said before picking up both the packets. "I'll get both."_

"_Fine," I said irritably, just want to get back to the car and go home._

_After quickly paying for our items, we headed out the door. Lily opened her packet of Salt and Vinegar chips first. "Want some?" She asked me._

"_No thanks," I said, turning my head and looking at the building where I knew Sandy was somewhere within._

"_Look, Kirsten," Lily said after a few moments of my staring at the building. "Lets just wait here until he finishes okay, and then we can just follow him for a bit."_

"_But-" I began to argue, but Lily cut me off._

"_No, just do it!" She told me. "Like you said, you don't believe him. So here is your chance. Lets follow him, if there's nothing suss and he goes straight home, then just forget about all of this."_

_I nodded my head in reply, "But if he doesn't?"_

_Lily was silent for a moment. "Then, we confront him."_

_We sat in the car for just over an hour, eating chocolate and chips, which wasn't that good of a combination. It was just after 4pm when we saw Sandy walking out the front doors of the building. I ducked down in fear of him sensing me or something and then turning around to find me sitting in Lily's car, waiting to follow him. _

"_Okay Kirsten, here are our options, we can follow him in the car or we can follow him on foot," Lily explained, waiting for me to make the decision. _

"_Uh," I said, taking a moment to choose. "On foot."_

"_Good," was all Lily said in reply, jumping out of the car and watching Sandy walk around the corner at the end of the block, we ran to the corner where I made Lily poke her head around the side of the building to see where Sandy was. After seeing that he was a fair way in front of us and that there were quite a few people walking down the main road, we made our way around the corner, occasionally walking on our tip toes to make sure we could still see Sandy. _

_It wasn't too much later when we saw him cross the busy road and walk into a store._

"_Why is he going to a jewellery store?" I wondered out loud. And before I could say anymore, Lily was running across the road towards the store._

"_Lily! What are you doing?" I hissed loudly, while following her._

_She came to a stop when she reached the foot path on the other side of the road. "Well, you can't go in there."_

"_Neither can you!" I said back._

"_Sure I can," she argued. "I'll just pretend to be looking for a new bracelet or something. And if he sees me and says something, I will tell him that. He never has to know."_

_I looked at her skeptically, not sure that this was going to work._

"_Kirsten, you just wait across the road in that coffee shop," She said, pointing at the little store directly across from where we were standing. "I will come and get you, either once I know what he is doing or once he has left. Okay."_

_I sighed, "Okay."_

_I had been waiting in the coffee house for nearly ten minutes and was feeling nervous. I was afraid of what Lily would discover in that store, I was afraid that he would be buying some kind of declaration of love for someone else. I was really beginning to panic._

_When I saw Lily walk through the door, I was dreading what she was about to tell me. I just knew it was going to be bad._

"_So," Lily said quietly, taking the seat opposite me. "He was… Buying a necklace and kind of got it engraved."_

_I let out the breath I didn't realise I was holding, holding back my tears I managed to finally get words out. "What did it say?"_

_Lily let out a sigh and look down at the table. "To Ashley, love Sandy."_

_I let out a sharp breath as I felt my tears begin to fall, this couldn't be happening, "Oh my god."_

_It was at that moment that Lily began to laugh, I looked up at her in utter confusion, "What?" I asked._

"_I'm sorry," she said, still laughing her head off._

_I sat there just staring at her for a few minutes, until she began to calm down and her laughter had ceased. "What was that about?"_

"_Okay," Lily said. "Truth time. So, Sandy wasn't buying a necklace."_

"_He wasn't?" I asked in disbelief._

"_No," she said quietly. "Sandy doesn't want me to tell you this but I'm going to anyway. He's buying you a ring."_

"_But I have a ring," I said, pointing to the plastic ring that had been sitting on my finger for the whole 37 days since Sandy had proposed._

"_He wants you to have a proper ring, Kirsten."_

"_I don't want a proper ring, I want this one," I argued, even though I knew it was pointless._

"_Yeah, well, just act surprised when he gives it to you," Lily said as she stood up and tucked her chair in._

"_So, when is he going to give it to me?" I asked curiously._

"_Not for sometime," Lily said, walking out onto the street. "He still has a bit to pay off of it."_

"_Why is he wasting his money on buying me a ring?" I asked, mainly to myself._

"_Maybe because he loves you and wants you to have the best," Lily said rather sarcastically._

'_I have the best," I told her. "I have him."_

"_Okay, that's enough," Lily said, pulling me down the street as I was apparently walking to slowly for her liking. "You're going to make me vomit."_

_I laughed at her, she was always telling me that Sandy and I were nauseating to be around._

"_Just hurry up and I can drop you back at the mail truck before Sandy even gets there."_

_A rushed 5 minutes later, Lily dropped me off at the mail truck. I opened the doors and hopped in the back, waiting for Sandy to come 'home'. It was only a matter of minutes before the doors opened and I saw Sandy climb his way in. _

"_Hey baby," he said to me, making his way to sit next to me on the mattress that was our bed and lounge, placing a soft kiss on my cheeck. "How was your day?"_

"_Pretty boring," I said as I let out a breath. "I only had one class, so I spent the rest of the day catching up on some reading."_

"_Oh well," he said, moving closer to me and kissing my lips with his own soft ones. "At least it's better now."_

_I let out a small laugh, "that certainly is true."_

_As Sandy's tongue slid past my lips and caressed the tip of my tongue, I moved my hands down his chest until I reached the buckle of his belt. As I began to undo it, Sandy pulled back. "What?"_

"_Wait," he said somewhat breathlessly. "I need to ask you something first."_

"_Um, okay then," I said quietly, not understanding why he had stopped us from going any farther, get again._

"_Kirsten," he said, breaking away form me. _

_I soon realised that he was down on one knee, "Sandy?"_

"_Kirsten," he said again. "Will you marry me?"_

"_I believe you already asked me that question," I told him with a smile. "And I think you remember my answer."_

"_I know, but this time," He said, reaching for his pocket. "I wanted to give you something real."_

"_Sandy?" I said nervously, not wanting him to be giving me a ring. He ignored me and opened a small box, inside was a beautiful diamond with a platinum setting. I found myself beginning to cry, "I can't accept this."_

"_Why not?"_

"_Because!" I shouted. "It's too much."_

"_Nothing's too much for you," He said sweetly, reaching out a hand and stroking my cheek. "Will you please wear it?"_

"_No," I said stubbornly, I liked the ring I had._

_Sandy sighed, "Kirsten, please, do this for me."_

"_I don't need an expensive ring, Sandy."_

"_That's not why I bought this for you," he said, taking the plastic ring off of my finer and then chucking it behind him._

"_Hey!" I yelled._

"_You don't need that one," he said, taking the new ring out of it's box and placing it on my finger. "This one suits you better."_

"_Oh yeah?" I asked, looking down on it on my finger. "And why's that? Because it's expensive?"_

"_No, because it's beautiful," Sandy said as he leaned in, capturing my lips with his in a passionate kiss._

"Hey uh, Kirsten," she said softly as we watched Bridget attempting to ski for the first time.

"Yes sweetie," I said back to her, as I turned away from the tv to face her.

"Can I tell you something?" She asked nervously.

"Of course you can," I said, taking her left hand in mine.

"I got…" she said slowly, before taking a deep breath and quickly saying, "Kicked out of Brown."

"What?" I said in shock. Seth hadn't told me that she got kicked out, and that seemed like something important enough to tell me. And if he hadn't, surely he would have told Ryan, and Ryan would have told me. Perhaps Seth didn't know. Audiences

"And I think I might be pregnant."

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**Oooh! Isnt it amazing what British movies bring out of a person… Or is that just me?  
**


	9. The One with the Funeral

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It has officially been forever since I updated this! But I was recently struck with a fresh idea and had the urge to write... Does anybody even remember this story? Haha oh well.

**As much as I wished I owned The O.C, I don't. It would still be on air somewhere if I did.**

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**Chapter 9 - The One with the Funeral.**

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I looked straight ahead as I heard the soft music begin to play and everybody around me turned to watch my husband's casket being walked down the aisle. I saw my sons out of the corner of my eye, carrying the front of the casket. I had no idea who else would be carrying it, Paul would be, he was Sandy's brother after all. I didn't know who else the boys would have thought of since I was no help in the preparation of this funeral. The tears that had begun to well in my eyes stared to fall as I felt Summer take my hand in hers. I smiled sadly at her, she had been through so much in the last few days and yet she was still here trying to help me through this.

Seth and Ryan had appeared on either side of me moments later, meaning Sandy's coffin had been set down in order for the service to begin. Seth had sat between Summer and myself, he put his arm around me and I wondered if Summer had told Seth that she had thought she was pregnant, she wasn't thankfully. I had bought her a home pregnancy test, five actually and I made her take each of them. When they had all came out negative I could breathe. As much as I told myself I was relieved that Summer wasn't pregnant so that she could sort herself out now that she wasn't going to Brown, it was truly selfish reason to why I was relieved. I loved Summer as if she were my own daughter, but honestly I couldn't be a grandmother, especially not with being pregnant myself right now.

I let out a sob as I thought of the child I would be raising alone. Alone. That's what I was. I had nobody with me, as much as Seth and Ryan would want to help, they had their own lives. I didn't want to drag them through more than what they've already had to deal with. I had to get through this myself. I mean, I would always have people around me, always have people who wanted to help. I knew I could never shake Julie Cooper even if I wanted to. But I would be alone, just me and the embryo that was clinging to the walls of my uterus. We were alone in this together. I had to raise this poor child by myself, and it had to be raise by me alone.

Being stuck in my own thoughts, I didn't realise that the service was over. It seemed to go rather quickly to be but then again I hadn't paid any attention, so maybe it had dragged on forever. I stood in line between Sophie and Seth, each of them were thanking the people who came over and offered their condolences. I didn't see any of the faces of people who said anything, if my father had been here he would have told me how rude I was being. I said nothing. I was attempting to stop the unavoidable tears that were still silently falling down my face. A few people hugged me; I couldn't tell you who they were. It seemed to be an endless line of people coming up to us, my tears eventually running dry due to the length of time I had stood there silently.

I was led outside soon after by Ryan, we all stood silently as we watched Sandy's coffin being lowered into the freshly dug grave. My tears begun to fall yet again as I looked down at the final resting place of my loving husband, as much as I had accepted this over the last few days, I think it was only just hitting me that he was really truly gone. Yet again I thought of how alone I was now. Of the child growing inside of me that would be fatherless; I vowed that this child would know their father though. I was never going to forget Sandy. I was also never going to love anybody the way I loved him. It was going to slowly kill me every day that I woke up without him.

"_I never want to wake up without you beside me," Sandy said running his fingers through my hair as we sprawled across the mattress in the back of the mail truck, spending our one day off together doing absolutely nothing._

"_You've said that before," I teased, even though I knew how much he meant this and how I much I agreed with him. The few days that I had been forced to wake up alone were torture._

"_Just because I've said it before doesn't make it any less true, I love you more than you know Kirsten." He leaned in and kissed me, it wasn't a passionate kiss. Not in the slightest. It was like your first kiss with someone, it was soft and timid. Which was weird, even our first kiss had never been like that, we had been a passionate couple straight off the bat. _

_He pulled back after a second and simply looked at me, not just looked but stared. "You know I hate it when you stare."_

"_Oh baby, I can't help it!" He laughed as he said this, he always comes up with some stupid reason as to why he stares at me. Last time he had claimed that he wanted my face memorised in case he ever lost his vision. "Have you ever tried to look at yourself and not stare?"_

_I frowned at him; he was so full of it. "Yes, it's remarkably easy."_

"_Please," he scoffed, pushing me away from him, sitting up on his elbows and giving me a once over. "You spend hours in front of that mirror."_

"_I do not," I gasped out in overdramatic shock as I pushed myself into an upright position. "You take longer than me, with all that gel that you put in your hair, making sure your stupid and totally out of place surfer look is intact."_

"_I do not have a stupid surfer look thank you very much!"_

"_You do so," I laughed as he stole a glance at the small mirror that was hanging on the left-hand side of the truck._

"_I may surf, but I do __**not**__ have a surfer 'look', I simply like to put a bit of product in my hair so that it isn't all over the place like usual." He said while frowning at me for a minute before giving me a small smile. "Plus you love it."_

"_Admit it," I said in a defiant tone, ignoring his last comment because it was true. "You're high maintenance."_

"_I'll admit I'm high maintenance when you admit that you love living in a mail truck." He barely got the sentence out he was laughing so much. _

"_You'll be waiting until the day I die for that one," I told him sternly. I hated his mail truck. When I agreed to move in with him I thought he meant we would look for a place together, not stay in the tragic mess of a truck that he had taken to calling home._

"_Well that's not going to happen because I'll be the first one to go, I couldn't live a day without you." Sandy had suddenly turned serious and I knew that he meant every word that he had said. "So therefore I get to die first and you can do whatever you wish."_

"_Oh right, so I can't leave you but you're allowed to leave me?" I asked him with best attempt at an attitude on, even though I was failing miserably and just sound like I was trying not to laugh._

"_Someone needs to take care of all our kids," he said, once again laughing. "There are going to be ten of them after all."_

"_Urgh, we've had this discussion," I moaned while rolling my eyes at him, basically since we met he had been telling me that we were going to have ten children together. "If we have ten kids, you're pushing out nine of them!"_

"_As long as I get to wake up to you every morning knowing that you're beside me, I think I could manage that."_

_I just laughed at him, "You're an idiot."_

"_Ah, but clearly a lovable one," he muttered before pushing me back onto the makeshift bed and attempting to ravish me while still letting out his howl of a laugh._

"_Sadly that is true," I agreed laughing right back at him before meeting his lips with my own. "We're not having ten kids though."_

"_We'll see," he whispered into my ear, before gently taking my earlobe between his teeth and pulling. Times like this; I didn't mind the mail truck so much._

"Mum?" I heard Seth say a few times. It didn't really register that he was talking to me. "Mum!"

I looked around before answering him, I was in the backseat of the car. "Yes Seth?"

"Did you want to go to the yacht club for the wake?" He asked me cautiously, twisting his hands around on the steering wheel. "Or do you just want to go home?"

I hadn't even thought about the wake. I hadn't thought about anything, it had just happened yet I couldn't remember a single thing about the day. I had no idea how I had been woken, or how I had gotten dressed or how I got to my seat. "I just want to go home," I said as I looked down at myself, I was wearing a plain black dress that I had never worn before and a pair of my favourite shoes. Surely I didn't put these shoes on? Why would I ever want to associate these shoes with Sandy's funeral?

"Okay then," he said as he turned the car on and drove off as soon as he knew what I wanted to do. He hadn't done anything without thinking of me since this whole mess started.

"You're all still going to go though, right?" I asked them. I didn't want them to miss out on anything because they thought I needed company or babysitting. I was going to be alone right, so I might as well start getting used to it.

"Well we thought we might just stay in with you," it was Ryan who spoke this time. I struggled to look into his steel blue eyes that were currently bloodshot and extremely swollen.

"I don't want to make you miss out on anything, I'm fine by myself" I said as I looked away from him. I looked around the car, Seth and Ryan were in the front seats and Summer was occupying the back with me. "Seth, where's the Nana?"

"She's driving to the wake with Sarah and the kids" He explained to me, looking at my face in the revision mirror. I saw that his eyes too were swollen and red. "She thought you might want to be alone."

I nodded slowly, not really having anything to say. I didn't want to be around people right now, especially not people who would be drinking and celebrating Sandy's life. I just wanted to be alone.

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**If anybody has, by some miracle, actually just read this, I apologise. I'm sure things don't line up, when I started writing again I didn't check back to the other chapters to see what I had written, the inspiration struck and I'm lazy. Haha but I will be updating this sometime soon, I kept writing another chapter which is coming along nicely :)**


	10. The One with the Lonely Holiday

Yay, another chapter!

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The One with the Lonely Holiday

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I had dreamt of Sandy again last night, it was becoming a common occurrence and I always woke up twisted in my 700 thread count sheets that were sticking to my sweaty body. Last night it had been a replay of November 11, the day he died. It was my most popular dream of late. Yet again I had been an outsider looking in on what seemed like a perfect day, I should have known that something was bound to go wrong.

Despite the sweat that still clung to my body, I pulled the blanket up from the end of the bed where I had kicked it during the night and pulled it around my body; it was a cold morning. I looked at the clock on the left hand side of the bed, 6.34am. I sighed as I remembered what day it was. Today was Christmas day and it had been 44 days since Sandy had died. 1041 hours and 43 minutes.

Since the funeral I had left the house a total of three times. The first had been on November 16th when I was escorted to the doctor's office by Summer. I had been nearly six weeks at that point, my due date roughly July 15. My second outing was just a few days after that when Ryan had taken me out for lunch. I had barely eaten anything, my mind had been elsewhere, as it always was. I think I had worried Ryan that day; both he and Seth had practically been shoving my food down my throat since that day. My most recent excursion had been to the supermarket with Seth, my lack of enthusiasm seemed to upset him. He was asking me for meal ideas for him and Ryan to make together; they had taken over most of the domestic roles in the house. I felt guilty; my misery was being forced onto others by default. They had their own anguish to deal with and yet I had let them pick up the slack. They didn't deserve that.

I sighed as I pushed the blankets off of me and stood up, stretching my arms above my head and twisting my back. My hands fell to my stomach where I had noticed the smallest bulge had begun to form. I couldn't help but smile as I lightly brushed my hand over my lower abdomen, thinking of the baby that was leisurely growing within me.

I slid my icy toes into my fluffy white slippers that Sandy had bought me the previous year, they always seemed to warm me up in an instant. I grabbed Sandy's robe off of the chair where I had left it the night before and pulled it around me. I took a deep breath, it was fading but it still smelled of him.

I walk out of my bedroom, intending to head straight into the kitchen and start cooking breakfast. However when I reached the kitchen I was surprised to see Seth and Summer leaning over the oven top and Ryan with his head in the fridge, the smell of bacon overpowered the kitchen. It smelt good.

"No," Summer said in an irritated voice, knocking Seth's hand away from the pan. "Cohen, I told you not to touch anything. Your job is to cook and butter the toast, nothing else."

"I don't know why you won't let me help," Seth replied, pulling Summer close to him. "I've been cooking dinner you know."

I watched silently as my son turned his girlfriend to him and clumsily covered Summer's lips with his own. Seth was lucky to have her; he was always more himself when Summer was around.

"What's all this?" I asked as they quickly sprung apart, although I did notice that Seth kept an arm around Summer's waist.

It was Ryan who answered me, closing the fridge door and walking over to me. "It's Christmas, so we decided to make you breakfast in bed." He kissed me on the cheek and pulled me into a hug. I clung to him; it was rare to get any kind of affection from Ryan.

"I'm sorry I ruined it then," I said as Ryan pulled away from me and led me to a chair at the end of the counter that was cover in all sorts of food, apparently it was going to be a big breakfast.

"You're not to help at all," Seth explained to me as he made his way into the seat next to mine. "I'm not meant to touch anything but the toast, which is unfair because honestly I did not inherit your cooking skills my dear mother."

I let out a laugh, it was true. "Come on though, I have improved a lot."

"Ah but still, need I keep reminding you of the meatloaf incident of '98."

I rolled my eyes, between him and Sandy I had never lived that down. So I had been a bad cook? Surely I had made up for that in other ways... Right?

"But never fear Mother, we love you for it," Seth said before kissing my cheek and whispering "Merry Christmas."

I didn't say anything; I couldn't see that there would be much merriment. I blinked several times as I felt my eyes begin to sting; I wasn't going to start another day in tears.

"So anyway, is there anything in particular you want for breakfast Kirsten?" Summer said, hastily changing the subject. "I wouldn't eat the toast though."

"We just cover this!" Seth said jumping out of his seat and picking up a piece of toast that he had cooked. "I'm a great cook; there is nothing wrong with this toast."

"Oh please, the only thing you can make is coffee."

Seth grinned to himself, "I do make a mean cup of coffee. That skill I did get from my mother." He sat back down beside me and placed an arm around my shoulder, "isn't that right?'

I tried my best to smile for him, but it just wasn't going to happen. "Yes Seth, coffee is the one thing I can manage to get right." Silence followed my confirmation and I didn't notice the looks Ryan and Summer had thrown at Seth, if I had seen I might have laughed. But I didn't.

"Hey how about we go and watch one of the Christmas movies that are on TV while we wait for breakfast!" I hadn't been listening but by the sound of the enthusiasm I knew that it had been Seth to suggest this.

I must have nodded because Ryan had taken my arm and pulled me into the living room. I vaguely heard Ryan say something to Seth but I was gone. I couldn't hold a conversation these days; my mind began to wander way too easily. My eyes drifted over the small Christmas tree that had been erected in the corner, I wondered when it had been set up. There was also a few ornaments placed around the room and hanging over the never used fireplace were our Christmas stockings; Sandy's included.

"_Why do you bother with all this stupid Christmas stuff?" Sandy asked me as he gently tugged on the Christmas stocking I had made with his name on it that was hanging from the kitchen counter as we had no fireplace. I had had difficulty preparing for Christmas in our small Berkeley apartment, Sandy had told me on many occasions that it was pointless as we were moving into our own house in less than a week, but Christmas still needed to be celebrated I reasoned. _

"_There's nothing stupid about Christmas Sandy," I told him sternly, placing my hands somewhat awkwardly on my swollen hips. "I want the baby's first Christmas to be a memorable one."_

_Sandy looked from the Christmas tree in the corner to my heavily pregnant stomach. "Okay well there is no baby here quite just yet and therefore just for the record, this does not count as the baby's first Christmas seeing as he isn't actually here to see it."_

"_First of all, who said anything about 'he'? I still maintain that this child is a girl." Sandy had started laughing at me, he refused to even consider the fact that his child could be a girl. "And secondly, just because she hasn't technically been born yet doesn't mean that she's not here."_

"_You do realise that that makes absolutely no sense in the world," Sandy said before opening the fridge door and taking out a cold beer. "And how many times do I need to tell you that all of this is useless, we have to take it down and have everything packed by the 27__th__ anyway."_

_I just glared at him. He didn't understand. "Fine," I yelled, trying not to cry at the same time. Everything made me cry these days._

_I heard Sandy groan behind me. "Please don't cry," he said softly as I felt his arms come around me and his head resting on my back. "You know I hate it when you cry."_

"_You know I can't help it," I sobbed back at him; I thought that I had dealt well throughout my pregnancy, not too many mood swings. But lately whenever I got angry instead of yelling like I normally would, I would just start to cry._

"_I know baby," he lifted his head and turned me to face him. "I'm sorry."_

_I kept crying in his arms, he had dealt with this enough lately that he knew just to hold me until I stopped. He never said a word to me and I appreciated that. All I needed was his arms around me and the world just seemed to melt away, all my worries and fears gone._

_He pulled back and pushed my hair out of my face, smiling sadly at me. "Are you okay?" he asked sweetly as he softly brushed his thumbs over my tear stained cheeks. _

"_Of course I am," I replied. "I wish these hormones would give it a rest though."_

"_Not too much longer to go though," he reminded me, his hands leaving my face and coming to rest on my expanding stomach. _

"_I know," I agreed. "I still can't believe I'm actually pregnant though, I truly thought it was never going to happen."_

_Sandy's hands were tracing small patterns over my stomach but stopped abruptly when the baby gave a swift kick. Sandy smiled, he rarely got to feel a kick, the baby preferred to kick my bladder and my kidneys. I think if Sandy was able to carry this baby he would, he always liked to remind me of everything he was missing out on being a male._

"_All that matters is that it has," Sandy said, his eyes never leaving mine. "No matter how long it took."_

_I felt more tears begin to cloud my vision, not from anger or sorrow this time but from happiness. "I can't believe how lucky I am to have you."_

"_Oh baby, no." He said, shaking his head at me and taking my hands into his in the process. "I'm the one that's lucky. I hate to think of how I would have ended up without you, you're the reason I live."_

It was 9am by the time we were done with breakfast, we had eaten in the lounge room as Seth had been too enthralled in some TV show that was one. And by 10am I was ready to go back to bed. My body had gotten heavy and my eyes were beginning to sting; I was always exhausted after a night of vivid dreams.

I was about to drag myself off the lounge and back to my bedroom when the doorbell rang. As I went to get up Summer jumped up fast, "I'll get it."

She walked back in a moment later with Taylor trailing her. "Hey Kirsten," Taylor greeted me. "You don't look so good; I could get you the number of my mum's masseuse, she always comes back so relaxed."

"Uh no thanks Taylor, I just need some sleep," I explained, getting myself off of the lounge. "You guys have a good day. I'm going to go and have a nap; I'm not feeling so great."

"Are you sure you're alright mum?" Seth asked, getting up off of the lounge and making his way to the doorway where I stood.

"I'm fine, I just didn't get a good sleep last night," I said again, hoping he would leave me be despite the look of disbelief he had etched on his face. "I promise you that if I need anything I will come running to you, okay?"

He mumbled something under his breath, all I caught was "I don't" and "run." I gave him a hug, which he surprisingly accepted before turning back to the other three. "Promise me you will enjoy your day," I told them sternly, or as sternly as I could with my eyes about to drop out of my head. "Somebody around here needs to celebrate this holiday properly."

As I turned to walk back to my room I heard Ryan and Summer say "feel better," and Taylor exclaim a small "Merry Christmas." I lifted my hand in a wave without turning around; I just wanted to get into my bed.

I groaned at the few steps that led to the bedroom, there were five in total but there may has well been fifty. My legs felt like jelly as I pushed them up the stairs and towards the bed. I dropped onto it as soon as I could manage, kicking my slippers off and crawling back under the blankets that I hadn't made this morning.

The tears I had suppressed multiple times during the few short hours I had been awake started to fall slowly. This was the first Christmas in 23 years that I hadn't spent with Sandy. It scared me to think of how many of these there were to come.

I continued to cry until I could no longer breathe, I struggled for a few moments before I slipped into a light sleep. These moments of sleep were always peaceful, never full of dreams about Sandy. These were the times I could actually rest.

It didn't seem like long before a small knock on the door woke me up, and for a wild moment I forgot everything and wondered why Sandy was knocking on the door; he usually barged right in, waking me up in the process. Then I stopped and remembered.

It wasn't the first time it had happened; it seemed to be a frequent thought. Although I knew he was gone, and knew he wasn't coming back, I had fleeting moments when I would simply forget and just feel like I was waiting for him to arrive home from work or something.

I tried to shake the misery that crept up; it was like losing him all over again. If I kept going like this it was going to kill me.

"Mum," I heard Seth whisper before his head poked around the door. "Sorry to wake you but I thought you might want some dinner."

I looked at the clock; it was nearly 7pm. "Thanks Seth."

"And Julie's here," he told me, opening the door wider to reveal Julie Cooper.

I nodded to Julie as she walked into the bedroom, shutting the door after Seth walked out through it. Every day since the funeral Julie had called in, and I was grateful for it. While Julie still pissed me off, she was my closest friend and I would be lost without her right now.

"How are you really Kiki?" She asked as she sat next to me on the bed. "And remember that you can't lie to me."

"I'm fine," I managed, she gave me a stern eye and I wished that she would just believe me. "Really, I'm just exhausted is all." At that moment my stomach growled, "And hungry."

"Well by the looks of it," Julie said, taking my hand and pulling me up from the bed. "Those kids of yours have been cooking up a storm for you."

"If Taylor Townsend is still here, my guess is she took over the kitchen."

I was right, once in the kitchen it was clear who was in charge. Ryan was setting the table with the aid of Seth and Summer. "Oh good," Taylor said from the sink where she was doing god knows what. "I would have hated for you to miss this dinner, it's going to be simply amazing."

* * *

I have another one to come within a week :)


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